The Bottom 100 Films

Every year, Rotten Tomatoes — the film review aggregation site — updates their list of the worst-reviewed films of all time… or at least the worst-reviewed films in the history of their site. They just recently posted their list of the Bottom 100 Films of the past decade, and it’s kind of startling to see how many extremely recent films (under a year old) are on the list. Even more startling to me is how many of the films on the list I’ve actually seen.

One of the people in this photo is mentally handicapped. Guess which one. (I think you'll be surpried.)

At my office today, my co-workers and I took great pleasure in going down the list and making fun of the films on it. At a cursory glance, I thought, “I’ve seen about twelve or thirteen of these. Maybe more.” Curiosity getting the best of me, I actually tallied how many of them I had seen.

Final count: 26.

Keep in mind that I didn’t count films that I started watching and turned off/walked out of before they were over. These are films that I have seen in their entirety. If we counted films that I had only partially seen, the number would be closer to 40, probably more.

I dare you not to stare at John Travolta's codpiece.

For the record, I have seen almost every Uwe Boll film made. Admittedly, some of his films are hard to find, so I can’t say I’ve seen all of them. Also, I have seen Battlefield Earth… twice. Three times if you count the Rifftrax version of it. I’ve even seen Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever, the worst-reviewed film of all time. 107 reviews to its name and not one positive. Odds are, if you show this film to 100 random people, not a single one of them will like it.

In this photo, the main characters for 'Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever' try to remember their motivation.

I’m a glutton for punishment. I admit it. God knows I can’t hide it. Anyone who has seen some of the movies I’ve reviewed on this site knows that I willingly watch pure garbage. I blame Mystery Science Theater 3000 for culling my tolerance towards crap… although I know that’s not a very good excuse. Oh well.

So, how many films on the Bottom 100 have you seen?

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

I just now almost got into a fight. And I do mean just now — as in only about 20 minutes ago.

I was in our apartment’s laundry room, waiting to do some emergency laundry. (We’ve all been there — underwear, socks, towels and the like.) I had a load of laundry to do and it had to get done tonight. All the washing machines were taken, and I waited ten minutes next to a washer filled with someone’s already-finished wash. That’s ten minutes spent just staring at the only would-be available machine. I finally got fed up and took the guy’s clean laundry out… only for him to walk in right after I did it.

He… didn’t seem happy. In fact, he seemed seconds away from punching me.

WHAT I ALMOST SAID:
“Look, buddy, you should expect this to happen when you take up the last three machines in a communal laundry room and not take your stuff out on time. We only have 6 machines to share between over 100 people, and I’ve waited 15, 20, 40 minutes before for people to take their finished laundry out. I waited ten minutes for you and I just assumed you were another one of the loafers in our apartment complex. If I had known you were going to come in just five more minutes, I would’ve waited.”

WHAT I ACTUALLY SAID:
“Um… sorry.”

He went on to berate me (because I confessed that I did it when he questioned me and I apologized) and finished by saying, “In the future, wait a little longer for someone to get their laundry!”
He then very tersely walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

I don’t entirely blame him for his reaction (although he got angrier than I thought anyone would over this), but am I in the wrong? Can you blame me for what I did?
I don’t like to touch other people’s clean laundry any more than I like touching my dirty laundry — I avoid it at all opportunities. But goddammit, it’s just rude to not keep track of your crap in that situation.

At least I actually waited for the guy, fessed up to taking his stuff out when questioned and genuinely apologized afterwards. He still looked like he wanted to punch my face in, though.

Here’s the bad news: Assuming he’s now on top of things, I’m going to run into him again tonight when I put my wash into the dryer and he takes his stuff out. I hope he didn’t spend all his time stewing over this and decks me the second he sees me.

UPDATE: As expected, I ran into him. We exchanged glances (his glance was more of a scowl) and that was that. We both internally decided to just leave it alone; he already said all he wanted to and I wanted to let sleeping dogs lie out of fear of a face-punching. DRAMA AVERTED!

Michael Jackson: 1958-2009

All right. I might lose friends over this, but it has to be done for posterity sake — news and pop culture is fickle and forgetful. If you’re easily offended, skip this post.

That said, let’s get it over with…

Today marks the first day that Michael Jackson has been stiff without a five year-old boy nearby.

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There will be a post-mortem today to determine what is to blame for Michael Jackson’s death:
A) Sunshine
B) Moonlight
C) Good Times
D) Boogie
[Click here if you don't get it.]

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Turns out it was food poisoning that killed Michael Jackson. He ate an 8 year-old wiener.

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When Farrah Fawcett died, God granted her one wish: that all the world’s children will be safe. So then God immediately killed Michael Jackson.

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Walmart has decided to introduce a new sale for this summer to honor Michael Jackson: All boys pants half off.

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When Michael Jackson was first rushed to the hospital, it wasn’t because of a heart attack. He went to the pediatric ward for a stroke.

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Q: Why wasn’t Michael Jackson saved in time?
A: There were only two of Charlie’s Angels available.

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Michael Jackson’s ashes will be spread in a sandbox so that after his death, he’ll end up in little boys’ shorts.

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Michael Jackson went to his plastic surgeon and said, “Doctor, I was hoping you could make my skin whiter.” “Whiter?” said the doctor. “The only way you could get whiter is if you became a ghost.”  So then Michael went home and died.

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Q: What’s Hell to Michael Jackson?
A: Being surrounded by people that can grow pubic hair.

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Part of Michael Jackson’s contract with Pepsi stipulated that — because he was 99% plastic anyway — when he died, he would be melted down into Pepsi bottles. That way he could end up in childrens’ mouths.

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Okay. That’s it. I’m spent. Now I have to pack my bags and prepare for going to Hell. “SHAM ON!“

The House on the Rock: In a Nutshell

I recently went on a trip to visit The House on the Rock in scenic Spring Green, Wisconsin. I made this video to illustrate my thoughts on it. Enjoy.

If you would like more information concerning The House on the Rock, please consult Neil Gaiman’s American Gods and the music video for More Than This by the band 10,000 Maniacs.

The Cast of Bambi 2 Talk Shop

Constructive Criticism on Political Discourse

WARNING: Everything wrong with the internet, but specifically YouTube, is contained in this video. If you have a weak constitution, please avert your eyes.

I have some advice for the young lady featured in this video….
When making a YouTube video about your opinions concerning political figures, at least have the foresight and common decency to WIPE THE GODDAMN CLOWN MAKEUP OFF YOUR FACE FIRST. That way you’ll give others a chance — even if it’s a split second — of mistaking you for someone who has a knowledgeable perspective. (Actually listening to you, however, dashes all hope of that entirely.)

Also, another tip, if I may…. Starting off your rant with, “I’m not a racist, BUT…,” automatically means you’re racist. By acknowledging a separation in race first and foremost — even when you think you have good intentions — makes you a racist. There’s no going back from that. Not even saying “I have friends who are [the race you are hating on], so I’m obviously not a racist,” will help. You view and define people by their ethnicity, and therefore, are biased, to say the least, and unable to give objective opinions.

Finally, I know this is an on-the-spot vlog (video blog) entry, so there’s an air of spontaneity to this — I understand that. But did you stop and think for one second about what you were going to say before you started talking? Coming to (illogical) conclusions about your political opinions and broadcasting them on the internet should have SOME premeditation to it. Hell, videotaping yourself doing ANYTHING and uploading it on the most popular video sharing site on the planet should be thought out to some degree, infinitesimal as it may be.

Family members are going to see this. Co-workers are going to see this. Your boss is going to see this. Your former pastor is going to see this. Or current pastor… or rabbi…? Whatever, whoever. The point is this….

Is this how you want to be remembered — wearing cat makeup and mass-broadcasting your semi-racist gibberish on YouTube with the only apparent conceit of your vlog being to prove how clueless you are? Unless your endgame was to compete for the Dumbest Twat to Ever Spout Nonsense On YouTube award, I don’t even see the point in you making this video. Next time, THINK a little before you put garbage on YouTube.

To anyone who comes here and says, “Leave her alone. She’s young and stupid and doesn’t know any better,” I have this to say: If you’re old enough to get a webcam, videotape yourself and upload it on YouTube, you’re fair game. Period. Besides, I’m just trying to help her out.

Montana’s Advertising

While I was at Union Station a couple days ago, I saw a poster advertising Montana… for vacationing reasons, I suppose. If you’d like to see the poster yourself, it’s hanging over the escalators at the Adams Street entrance. For those who can’t come to Chicago’s Union Station just to see a stupid poster, I’ll describe it to you.

The poster is of an idyllic scene in the middle of a wooded glen; a buffalo drinks from a river undisturbed as the sun slowly sets behind the creature. Words off to the side of the image say:

CON: Not many people come here.
PRO: Not many people come here.
MONTANA

I guess you could say it’s clever, but if you want to target Chicagoans, you’re going about it the wrong way, Imaginary Marketing Person whom I am pretending to direct this blog post to. If you want my opinion — and you do — I think you should gear your marketing more towards what Chicagoans would love most about Montana. Here’s what I propose for the poster instead:

Much better, don’t you think? Watch the tourism skyrocket with this baby in place.

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If it was 1996, this would’ve been the proposed poster: [click here]

Why am I short of attention?

Pop songs are based around melodic hooks and uncomplicated lyrics that easily get stuck in your head. When a pop song is outside of the periphery of regular listening and someone is exposed to it through random radio surfing and its use in commercials and movies, that person won’t remember how the entire song goes. Average listeners will only know the hooks, the chorus and random words.

Keeping this in mind, some guy out there decided to edit music videos to reflect only the parts of the song that he can remember. Have a looksie!

Okay, it’s out there and it’s stupid, but I laughed. Maybe you did, too…?

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TRIVIA TIME: For the actual music video to “You Can Call Me Al,” Chevy Chase memorized the lyrics while on the way to the video shoot by listening to the song in the car. That’s how a professional gets it done.

Now that’s what I call muzak!

Songsmith is a new Microsoft program that allows the musically deficient to make shitty music — just like the professionals! Basically, you record yourself singing, the program reads your vocal track, checks for changes in pitch and rhythm and then places the recording on top of crappy instrumentals to make it sound like you’re being backed by a real, live computer. Er, I mean, band. Yes… band.

To be honest, it’s a lot more sophisticated than I am giving it credit for. Even though it sounds washed out and completely synthetic, the accompaniment at least changes with the vocals correctly and sounds (kind of) like it belongs. However, you have to take the backing music that it gives you, regardless of what you were going for and wanted.

So now us plebs without talent can sound like we’re in a band… but what about those who are already part of a band? What sort of accompaniment would Songsmith give an already popular song by an established musician? Well, kiddos, it appears the good denizens of the internet are providing the answer to that question, as people are uploading Songsmith-ified music videos onto YouTube.

Let’s have a listen to what pop music sounds like in Hell, shall we?

It appears that, in an alternate universe, The Go-Go’s are a popular calypso band. They certainly do have the beat, don’t they?

Apparently, Billy Idol is the voice of a generation… that enjoys bluegrass.

Motörhead’s tearful country-western ballad “Ace of Spades” swept the Grammys on Bizzaro Earth.

And now, I present the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time….

When you hear the name “Ozzy Osbourne,” do you immediately think of “polka?” You will now.

And because I have to follow the crowd, here’s the Songsmith version of “Never Gonna Give You Up” by the incomparable Rick Astley. Please enjoy this even crappier rendition of one of the crappiest songs ever.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Here is my annual Anti-Valentine’s Day e-card for this year. Feel free to send it to loved ones. Or hated ones. Whoever you feel is deserving of a reminder that despite the feel-good pap that the capitalist market shoves down our throats on some arbitrary day, the world is actually a dark and horrible place full of awful people ruining the lives of others.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!