Jesus Fucking Christ.

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 has the notorious distinction of being the ONLY film to be in the Top (Bottom?) 20 Worst Films of all time on three of the most well-known film reviewer aggregate sites on the web: IMDb, RottenTomatoes and Metacritic. Let that sink in for a moment. Not only do all of the educated and legitimately published critics on the planet think that the movie is the worst piece of crap ever made, but so do the basement-dwelling, OCD nerds who have nothing better to do than watch movies and comment about them on internet forums. Bottom line, EVERYONE agrees that this movie is garbage. This film is, quite literally, the worst of the worst, and that is precisely why I watched it. And since I don’t like suffering alone (my girlfriend refused to watch the movie with me), I’m reviewing this piffle for all to experience.

The story (if you can call it that) follows a boy named Kahuna, a child who…. *sigh*
Okay, look. I’m going to explain the “plot” of this movie now, so you’re about to read the stupidest sentences you’ve ever read in your life in rapid-fire succession: Brace yourself. Also, spoilers abound, but it’s not like you’re actually going to watch this shitty movie, right?

SPOILER: This actually happens in the movie.

Moving along…. Kahuna is a 4-year-old-looking boy (they never say his age) who is a super sleuth who uses crazy spy gadgets like a miniature James Bond. When he has to resort to fisticuffs, Kahuna drinks a super serum of his own design that gives him super strength and the ability to run up walls and jump really high in some of the worst displays of wirework ever seen in a film. Kahuna uses his tools to fight the evil, German Colonel Kane (Jon Voight) and foil his attempts at trying to take over the world.

He eats his Wheaties! And steroids.

As retarded as this all is, it’s actually just a story that a baby is telling other babies — Kahuna is just an urban legend, of sorts, amongst the toddler community. The audience then breathes a sigh of relief as they realize, “Oh! This retarded bullcrap is all just the imagination of a pants-crappingly stupid-ass baby! Boy, am I relieved. For a second, I thought this movie was actually going to be about this horrible, nonsensical shit.”

Then Act 2 starts, and Kahuna and Jon Voight’s Colonel Klink impersonation show up in the context of the “real world.” Not only that, but Kahuna is still a baby despite the fact that the “legend” of Kahuna took place in Cold War era Berlin.

It’s at about this point that the audience realizes that this movie has gone off the fucking rails, detoured into Crazy Town and staked permanent residence. Yes, this whole movie really is all about a goddamn super agent toddler with a rocket-powered baby buggy and glowing super serum beating the shit out of Jon Voight and his army of ne’er-do-wells.

They're laughing at the audience, not with them.

Several babies (and their sitter) get embroiled in this international game of espionage when they accidentally bump into an agent of Kane’s and unknowingly end up with a data disc containing… something. Who cares? Anyway, seeing that they’re in danger from Kane, Kahuna swoops in and protects the little bastards by whisking them away to his secret lair that looks like Michael Jackson’s bedroom.

"So you, uh... live here? It's, um... nice. Very nice."

It’s here where the audience is explained many things about Kahuna, none of which make sense. First, the little kid Kahuna is actually an old man who was born in the 1940s. He looks young because his scientist father made a super soldier serum that had a side effect of freezing Kahuna’s aging process, making him forever a young boy. He’s nearly 70-years-old, but he looks four. If you stop to think about that for more than a second, you’ll realize this plot development brings up more creepy grown-up-in-young-body questions than Twilight could ever dream of.

"108-year-old SWM seeks 16-year-old female. Must like nighttime walks and/or sparkly skin. Enjoying baseball is a plus. No fatties."

Second, Kahuna and Colonel Kane are — bum, bum BUMMM! — brothers! Kane resented Kahuna getting the serum because he was older and felt he deserved it, so Kane spent his entire life in a pissing match with his (literally) baby brother, essentially making him the most pathetic villain in the history of anything ever.

I have a question for the makers of this film: Why attempt a backstory or any semblance of character development when it’s so goddamn stupid?

Movie Cliché #135: Super serums and science-based elixers must glow because of SCIENCE.

Moving right along, Kahuna decides he needs help to stop his brother’s scheme for world domination, so Kahuna uses a machine that gives the other babies super powers (LIKE IN THE TITLE LOL!) so they can help him fight the evil blah, blah — you know what? Screw this dumb shit. I’m getting a headache just trying to recollect this movie so that I can write this review, and I’m running out of Aspirin.

Everything you need to know about this movie is contained in this one picture. Fuck this idiotic film.

I usually don’t get angry at movies, but Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is ten hours of pure stupid condensed into 85 minutes, and I hated every second of it. Okay, granted, the title alone should clue you in on how bad it is, but nothing can prepare you for how bad it REALLY is. There is nothing good about this movie. Nothing. This movie deserves every bit of scorn that it’s received. It’s the film equivalent of cancer and AIDS put together.

I’ve seen The Star Wars Holiday Special, Battlefield Earth, Gigli, Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever and almost every Uwe Boll film made, and Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is the film that almost broke me.
0/10

"Hey, big boy. Wanna play a game with us?"

The video game Muscle March tells the classic tale of a gaggle of weightlifters who had their protein shake powder stolen by a football player/Martian who is then chased from Japan to outer space by the muscle-bound behemoths trying to get their drink mix back.
Okay, so it’s not so much a classic story as it is a fucking bat-shit insane one, but who needs a story when you’re talking about an arcade-style, downloadable Wii game?

Muscle March was released on the WiiWare Channel in Japan in late May this year, and it’s every bit as crazy as this video portrays it.

As you could see from that footage, the point of this way-hetero game is to select your not-at-all-gay-looking character and strike flexing poses to fit through the holes punched out by the protein-shake thieves as they smash through walls. Using the Wiimote and nunchuck, you strike a pose by lowering or raising your arms, your movements corresponding to your characters’. Pose incorrectly and you run into the wall and get hurt — get hurt 5 times and you lose. When your more-than-likely-heterosexual character gets close enough to the perp, you go into a short mini-game where you shake the Wiimote and nunchuck as fast as possible to make your character run faster and eventually hip tackle the thief in a completely straight manner. Screw up and the level starts over again.

Totally not gay.

There are three levels in Muscle March (Modern Japan, Feudal Japan and Outer Space… yes, I’m serious) with each level having three sub-levels. The game also has an endurance mode where it’s one unending level; the point being to rack up the highest score possible by seeing how far/fast you can go without messing up.

The game tries to coast on quirk and charm (and let’s face it, sheer madness), but as you can probably guess, it’s still a pretty shallow gaming experience. The controls, while functional and fun, are extremely simplistic. I mean, I described the ENTIRE game to you: Lift your arms like an idiot, chase guy, the end. You can pretty much see everything the game has to offer in half an hour. It’s like a mini-game from Wario Ware being stretched out about as far as it can go.

WHO IS PLAYER? OH MY GOD, BEAR IS PLAYER! HOW CAN THIS BE!?

I hate to bring up graphics when concerning a downloadable game, but the Playstation 1 could probably run Muscle March. The textures are muddied and most of the low-res sprites are downright terrible. You could argue that the bad graphics are part of its charm, and you might be right, but when you see it in motion, some of the visuals are downright inexcusable. On the plus side, the game runs at a decent clip without any frame rate hiccups or slowdown.

Wait a minute.... Is that a baby chick sitting in that black guy's afro like it's a bird's nest? That's racist... right?

If Muscle March were $5 or cheaper, I’d recommend it for its sheer absurdity alone: It’s almost worth owning just to show people that this game actually exists. Guaranteed, you and your friends will laugh playing this crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat game. However, given that Muscle March is actually $8, it’s a bit hard to recommend. To me, three bucks is the difference between a fun lark on a lazy afternoon and an all-too-short arcade game that you regret for spending that much money on.

And did I mention how completely not gay it is?

It’s fun and all, I guess, but the price point is hard to swallow.
(Heh, heh…. Not gay.)
5/10

PRO-TIP: If you’re having a hard time beating a level, try intentionally getting hurt a couple times near the beginning of the stage. The level is only a certain length, so you can protract the introductory slow part by running into the walls before the hard parts begin. Sure, your score will decrease, but your odds of beating the game will be better.

For only being 12-years-old, Astro Boy's got some big guns.

In a technologically advanced future where robots are servants to humans, a spiky-haired young boy finds out that not only is he not human like he once thought, but that he’s actually one of the most advanced androids ever made. After a power-hungry madman has absconded weaponized robots to fulfill his nefarious purposes, the young mechanical boy goes out on his own, befriends a robotic dog, and with the help of some confidants, discovers that he is the only one with the power to stand a chance against the forces of evil.

But enough about the Mega Man video games. I’m here to talk about the new animated film Astro Boy, based on the well-loved manga/anime series.

Pictured: NOT Astro Boy... I don't think.

First and foremost, the film has an excellent style that, while staying true to many of the character designs from the anime, still manages to find its own vision. It’s a very bright and vibrant film, and it feels like a fully-realized, candy-colored world. It’s an action-packed cartoon and it knows it.

That said, while I really wanted to like this film, there’s some flaws with it. Much like a lot of other animated films, stunt casting was used and not to great effect. Why have big-budget actors like Charlize Theron and Samuel L. Jackson do voices in the film if they’re only going to say three lines? They didn’t contribute anything.
Also, and I hate to say this because I like him, Donald Sutherland doesn’t do a good job. His voice attached to that particular character didn’t mesh well at all, and Sutherland’s heart didn’t seem into it.

I also hate to say this: Nicholas Cage did a better job.

I know that Astro Boy is supposed to be a kids film, but the humor, while not potty in nature, still feels juvenile. A lot of the jokes fell flat and didn’t really work. There’s entire groups of characters that serve NO PURPOSE in the film other than to pad it with jokes. Sure, I can tolerate the cute robot dog, but the robo-butler and the members of the Robot Revolution Front just take up space.

However, Mike the Talking Fridge had his moments.

Overall, Astro Boy isn’t terrible, but it isn’t the best animated film I, or you, have ever seen. It’s above average, but not by much. It has a lot of good qualities, but not enough to make it great. The action is decent and fun, the plot is okay, and there’s a few touching moments, but walking away from the film, I couldn’t help but think how much better it could have been.

If I were 8-years-old, I’d love the shit out of this movie.
But I’m 28 now, so… yeah.

7/10

"Second film, same as the first. A little bit louder and a lot bit worse."

For me, writing this review is sort of like having to do spring cleaning: You look around at all of the ground you have to cover, feel overwhelmed at it all and think to yourself that perhaps it’s best to just say “fuck it” and give up before you even started. I honestly have no idea how to start. I feel like I have been tasked with having to shave a wooly mammoth: Where do I begin? How do I go about it? What do I do?

Fuck it.

Basically every bit of bad press you’ve read about this movie is true. All of it. The excessive running time (which is hardly of note to me since it’s only 6 minutes longer than the first film), the beyond non-sensical plot, the over-abundance of “comic” relief characters, the excessive loudness and, yes, the racist caricatures. If you thought Jazz from Transformers was bad, you haven’t seen Skids and Mudflap.

Meet the new heroes: Amos and Andybot.

True story: Given the three act structure of most films, I could see that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was winding down, from a plot standpoint. So I looked at my watch and was shocked to see that there was a whole hour left. No joke.
But I digress….

Odds are, if you like reading reviews of bad movies as much as I do, you’ve already heard all the bad stuff about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Essentially, I have nothing new to tell you about the film. I could literally go scene-by-scene and tell you why it’s stupid — it’s honestly that bad. But I’ll spare you all of that and try to give a different perspective than one you’ve heard before.

When Pirates of the Caribbean came out, people loved it. It felt original and fresh, but I feel that a large part of that came from the fact that we hadn’t seen a pirate film given a multi-million dollar budget, a shiny coat and an epic feeling of fun in many years. The last time someone made a wide release film in the pirate genre (assuming that it exists) was Cutthroat Island — one of the biggest flops of all time — back in 1995.

So what was the last, live-action giant robot film you had seen before Transformers came along? Robot Jox? That movie was garbage, and again, it was made back in 1990. Does Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow count? I guess you could argue that it does, but the whole thing was more cartoon than live-action, and the robots were only featured in the first half hour. Regardless, neither film is thought of fondly and both films didn’t do well at the box office.

Despite the lack of recent giant robot films, you have to admit that people love giant robots and they love seeing them pummel each other. However, no one has taken that (admittedly flimsy) concept and given it a huge budget, a shiny coat and an epically fun feel. Just because the frat-boy man-child Michael Bay squats one out doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good. Granted, it feels fresh and new and exciting, but if you’re the first out of the gate once everything has been declared dead, that doesn’t mean you’re automatically worthy of praise.

When Sideways watched "Revenge of the Fallen", he went all to pieces! HA! Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week.

You know, to be honest, I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than to say I can understand why people want to like this movie. I know why the Transformers fanboys — of which I used to be one — defend this film (of which I would never do). You want your white horse to deliver and you’re willing to forgive its imperfections to justify its existence and its revenue stream. You want it to succeed. You want this film with the name “Transformers” on it to make money, thereby getting as many films as possible. I understand. But it’s not a good film. Even by junk food, action cinema standards, it’s pretty lousy. And above all, it’s not Transformers.

Picture the Harry Potter films. The books are beloved the world over. Now imagine if, when it came to adapting them to film, someone decided to change it up a bit and make the film more palatable to a general audience. So Ron Weasley is changed to be a hip, slang-talkin’ black kid from the streets. And Hermoine is mute, except she uses sound bites from a radio to broadcast her thoughts to people. Also, the film would primarily focus on the tertiary characters instead of the original main cast. Would the Harry Potter fan base accept that as being Harry Potter? No. So why should the Transformers fan base accept these film adaptations? Simply because they exist? Not good enough, says I.

Left: Devastator from the cartoon. Right: Devastator from the film. Huh?

I know the filmmakers said they took liberties with the property (especially the designs) because they wanted them to be more realistic. Yes, because when you’re making a film about giant transforming robots from outer space, you should really concern yourself with realism.
But I digress….

People have told me that I’ve been too hard on these films; that I’m too judgmental with too high of standards. After all, they’re geared towards kids, right? They’re toyetic — they push merchandise.
Look, just because a film is aimed at a younger audience doesn’t mean the filmmakers should shoot for the lowest common denominator and not give a crap about the end product. Besides, can you name a kids film that is 150 minutes long and contains two separate scenes of dogs humping each other, a character eating pot brownies, upskirt panty shots of a woman trying to dry hump someone, a robot that has a penis that doubles as a gun, graphic shots of another robot’s giant testicles (still trying to figure that one out), a close-up of John Turturro’s ass and garbage while wearing a thong, a robot dry-humping a woman’s leg (AND SHE DOESN’T MIND IT!?) and characters that say, “pussy,” “bitch-ass” and “fuck?”
This film is PG-13. A lot of shit can still get through in between that PG and R, my friends.

In the end, this film is just as jumbled, chaotic, under-plotted, loud, annoying and dumb as the first film, if not more so. So if you liked the first film, then I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you might like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The bad news is that you might have a learning disability.

I would call this film bullshit, but that’s an insult to fertilizer.
3/10

After recently watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I felt compelled to express my feelings towards the film the only way I knew how: Hastily editing together random film clips.

And you know what? This video still makes more sense than the film did.

If you would like an actual written review of the film that’s filled with my customary acerbic wit, sound off in the comments section and I will oblige. But it’s too late for me to write something now. After watching that film, I have to lie down and get some sleep as soon as possible. Perhaps in the morning my ears will stop ringing.

"Hmm. It says, 'Ask again later.'"

Before I even walked into the theater, I knew Dragonball: Evolution had three strikes against it: It was a live-action film based on a cartoon, it was an American film that debuted in foreign markets, and it wasn’t screened for critics. All signs pointed to “train wreck”, but walking out of it, I’d actually hesitate to call it a bad film. Granted, it wasn’t good, but I’ve definitely seen worse films in my life. Hell, I’ve seen worse films just in this year alone.

Goku (Justin Chatwin) is a friendless, awkward teenager in high school who gets picked on by meat-headed bullies. Outside of school, he trains in martial arts and lives with his grandfather, Gohan (Randall Duk Kim), in a house in the middle of… let’s just say nowhere. On his eighteenth birthday, Goku is given a glowing ball called a “dragonball” (“Hey! Like in the title of the movie!”) which, when combined with the other 6 titular orbs allows the possessor to grant one “perfect wish.”
The Big Bad of the film is Piccolo (James Marsters), a green-skinned, pointy-eared alien who tried to take over the world centuries ago, but was thwarted by ancient mystics who cast a spell and sent him into purgatory. On the eve of a solar eclipse, Piccolo escapes from his magical imprisonment (How? Good question — the film never says) and seeks the balls (tee-hee) for himself in a bid for world domination. Now it’s a race against time as Goku looks for the balls (tee-hee) with the help of poorly-acted characters, like Bulma (Emmy Rossum) and Yamcha (Joon Park).

Given how insane and far reaching the original cartoon/manga of Dragonball was, it’s amazing the filmmakers could make a semi-cohesive, hour-and-a-half long film out of its source material. It helped that bizarre characters like Oolong, the shape-shifting anthropomorphic pig and Puar, the flying talking cat, weren’t in the film. (Those are actual characters from the animated show. Seriously.)
To make sure new inductees to the Dragonball universe wouldn’t feel alienated, the filmmakers kept Evolution grounded by placing it in a reality not too far removed from our own. Sure, there’s technology used in the movie that’s light years beyond what we have now, physics-defying action scenes and magic spells being cast (into the darkness), but at least everyone wears normal street clothes, Goku doesn’t have a tail and there are no talking animals. Unfortunately, by trying to make the film more “real”, a backlash from the film’s intended fanbase has brewed. (For reference, check out the negative comments on the film’s IMDb page. They’re hilarious.)

Some people out there can probably appreciate the fact that this film follows Joseph Campbell’s The Hero with a Thousand Faces to a T (Hi, Page!), chronicling Goku’s journey from high schooler to world saver. Sad thing is that it’s been done better in better films. Dragonball: Evolution suffers from “been there, done that” syndrome and is too competently made to warrant full-on Mystery Science Theater 3000 type jeers. If I were a child — say, 8 to 12 — I’d think Dragonball: Evolution could be one of the best movies ever, as it’s entertaining and exciting enough for kids to enjoy. However, people already well-versed in films would/should know better.

In the end, it’s a kids film; it’s refreshingly itself and without pretense. As one of my friends would say, “It is what it is.” If anything, I would say the film’s biggest crime is how mediocre it is — not good enough to recommend and not crappy enough to make fun of.

Well… at least Ernie Hudson is still getting work.
5 out of 10

"I wish my brother George was here."

Sir John Gielgud, Jonathan Winters, Tab Hunter, Rod Steiger, Milton Berle, Roddy McDowall and Liberace. Would you believe that there was a movie made in the mid-’60s that had all of these people in its cast? Well there was, and it’s called The Loved One.

Due to winning a contest with an airline, recent college graduate Dennis Barlow (Robert Morse) travels from his home in England to Los Angeles to visit his uncle Sir Francis Hinsley (Gielgud), a Hollywood acting coach who teaches British mannerisms to movie stars. Before Barlow can get acclimated to his new surroundings, his uncle passes away and he gets saddled with the duty of arranging the funeral. Without family, friends, guidance, a job or even a way home, Barlow finds himself surrounded by all of the oddballs at the Whispering Gardens cemetery and ends up with a job at a mortuary for the deceased pets of the Hollywood elite.
(In a retrospective featurette for The Loved One, one of the film’s producers described it as like The Graduate, but at a cemetery… which sounds pretty accurate.)

The Loved One was considered highly controversial when it was first released in 1965 (the studio execs in charge of the picture famously walked out of the movie when it was first screened to them), and amazingly, it still has some edge even today. The film is satirical of religion, Hollywood and the funeral industry, and a lot of the humor is so dark, it’s pitch black. Then again, maybe I’m the only one who sees humor in watching a mortician’s nonchalant (mis)treatment of already-dead animals, recklessly throwing them into an industrial freezer with an echoing THUD.

Without a doubt, the main draw of this movie is Rod Steiger’s character, Mr. Joyboy, head mortician of Whispering Gardens. Personal friends of Rod Steiger have said that Mr. Joyboy was one of his favorite roles that he ever played in his career, and it shows. Steiger rocks a blond perm, black-rimmed glasses and a nervously fussy mince in his walk to bring to life a character who single-handedly steals the show. Joyboy is the perfect character to demonstrate the rule that it isn’t what you say that’s funny, but how you say it. Not only that, but Steiger has given Joyboy many layers in his characterization, and as they peel away, he’s revealed to be one of the most fascinatingly dark and disturbing (yet strangely likable) characters in the film. Which reminds me….

Mrs. Joyboy, Mr. Joyboy’s mother, is without a doubt one of the most hilariously disgusting and repulsive characters I have ever seen in a film, and that includes Austin Powers’ Fat Bastard.

Despite the film having a lot of clever jokes, humor that’s right up my alley and a cast that begs the question, “How in the hell…?”, it’s hard to recommend The Loved One. The first third of the film is painfully slow with barely any hints at humor or setups of what’s to come. The final third goes off the rails completely; losing focus of the story and characters and having a climax that seems unfulfilling and kind of out of left field. However, the middle third is pretty inspired, so… it’s a toss up, really.

The Loved One has developed a small cult following, and given its hilarious anti-establishment attitude, crazy characters, non-sequitors and dark humor, it’s not hard to see why. But like a lot of other cult films, it has trouble with pacing and plotting, and it leaves you with a feeling of, “What the hell did I just watch?”

I’d give this film a rating like my past reviews,
but it seems kind of moot — it’s too weird to judge.
? out of 10

"I'm gonna steal every scene if it's the last thing I do!"

Watchmen takes place in an alternate 1985, where superheroes are very real and so is the threat of full-scale nuclear war. The United States and Russia are vying for power in a veritable pissing match over who has the most nuclear weapons, and the Doomsday Clock is five minutes to midnight.
Against this pleasant backdrop, we have the murder of The Comedian, a former superhero who was a part of the now-disbanded crime fighting group, The Minutemen. Masked vigilante Rorschach investigates The Comedian’s death and tries to unravel the mystery of who would kill this superhero and why. As he digs deeper into this whodunit, other former masked adventurers begin to suspect that Rorschach is onto something, and that they may all be at risk of being murdered themselves.

To the comic fans, despite your reasons for an outpouring of nerd rage over this film, I suggest you just suck it up and accept it, because this is as close as anyone is, or was, ever going to get to translating the Watchmen graphic novel to film. I’m not saying it’s flawless by any means — no film is — but it’s hard to imagine how one could do better in taking this nigh 400 page graphic novel and converting it into a 2 and a half hour film. Zack Snyder should be commended for not fucking up as much as he could have. Honestly.
Since he got more things right than wrong and for the sake of brevity, I’ll pretty much just focus on what I didn’t like about the film because that’s just the kind of optimistic guy I am!

You know how I make Inappropriate Soundtracks by taking music and putting it to a scene from a film to make it ironic and comical and thus, take you out of the movie?

That altered scene I just posted was less jarring than most of the music cues in Watchmen.
Look, I understand that the film takes place in the 80s, so you’d want music that’s evocative of the time, but hearing “99 Luftballoons” and “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” during the scenes where they were used in the film, it just seemed… inappropriate. If they released a soundtrack album, I would like almost all of the songs on it, but the use of some of the music choices were less than ideal. It would’ve been more effective and dramatic in some scenes if they utilized a more proper orchestral score.

I also hate to say this, but in a sense, I think a detriment to the film is how closely it follows the comic. Dialogue and story progression in a graphic novel is approached differently than in film. Lines that sound perfectly fine in a comic can come out clunky when spoken aloud. The multitude of flashbacks and non-linear story progression, while expertly handled and novel back in 1985, almost seems a tad cliché and trite now. Then again, deviations can bring about nerd rage, which brings me to one of the major contentions that I’ve heard….

Yes, they changed the ending. If you haven’t seen the movie, but have read the comic, I guarantee you that your jaw just dropped after reading that. I don’t want to give away spoilers, so I’ll just say that you don’t have to worry. The change in the ending, when all is said and done, is quite cosmetic and not worth getting in a huff over. The ending they have is actually quite good and given what they focused on in the story, it felt like a natural conclusion. In fact, after my friends (who had not read the book) and I had watched the movie together, I told them how the graphic novel ended, and they looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. In all honesty, those who have not read the book might find this ending superior because it felt more — for lack of a better word — real.

And now, some random thoughts:
• Rorschach’s amazing. He’s great in the graphic novel, too, so it’s expected, but if you had reservations about if they got him right or not, forget about it — they nailed him.
• The Comedian’s debauchery and douchebaggery was really brought to life. He’s way more menacing when seen in live-action.
• I honestly don’t remember that much graphic violence and sex in the graphic novel… although, I do remember that much blue cock. (Seriously, the amount of screen time Dr. Manhattan’s dong gets is about 5 whole minutes. No joke.)

Although, I enjoyed the film, I can’t really recommend it for everyone — this is a really violent deconstruction of superheroes, and if you aren’t aware of the construct, you might not be in on the joke. I mean, it is a joke, after all…. It’s all just a joke.
8.5/10

"Wait... weren't you Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat? What crappy video game film adaptation is this supposed to be again?"

Signs that the movie you’re watching is probably not going to be good:
1) It wasn’t screened for critics.
2) It was based on a video game.
3) The biggest star in the movie is listed last in the credits.
4) One of the Black Eyed Peas is cast as a major character in it.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li has all of these strikes against it and more. Come along with me and find out more, won’t you?

As its title suggests, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li is based on the Street Fighter series of video games, and it tells the origin story of the Chinese female protagonist, Chun-Li. The mythology of Street Fighter games 1 and 2 and the Street Fighter Alpha series is cribbed for the script, and it does its best to be as accurate and true to the mythos as possible. Trouble is, the story wasn’t very good to begin with. Let’s be honest; Street Fighter is a fighting game (duh), and the story to a fighting game is little more than justification for characters to beat the ever-loving hell out of each other. In the context of a game, the story’s at least serviceable — your character roughs up some morons until they’re all gone, then you fight the Big Bad. As far as the movie’s concerned,… to say the story is lacking is a laughable understatement.

The plot of the movie does double duty by being both nonsensical and barely existent. What little story there is is basically told through rushed, expository dialogue, and there are plot holes out the ass. Characters act to only advance the story with little logic or motive behind any of their actions. Why did M. Bison kidnap Chun-Li’s father? Why is Chun-Li following the cryptic message of an ancient scroll that was sent to her from an anonymous stranger? Why in the hell are agents of Interpol listening to the advice of Chun-Li — a former concert pianist and current vigilante — in how to trap one of the most dangerous men in the world? Why am I watching this shit?
Unfortunately, the movie never answers any of these questions.

Okay, so the plot blows. A lot. But hey, it’s a martial arts movie, and the plot doesn’t have to be that good as long as the action is decent!  …So is the action decent?
No, it’s not.
Each action setpiece is brimming with crappy wire-fu that would have felt dated 5 years ago. Not only that, but the fight scenes are shot in that “Oh no, I’m going to vomit!” shaky-cam, quick-cut bullcrap that we’ve seen so much in films recently. Many of the action scenes end abruptly, which, given how much they suck, is almost welcomed. Chun-Li’s fight with Vega — a masked madman who is built up in the movie to be some insane badass of the likes of Darth Maul — is a scene of particular note because it clocks in at under a single minute. Swing, miss, kick, punch, stomp, over.

Across the board, the acting is pretty abysmal. Kristen Kreuk does her darnedest with the material given to her, and it’s pretty sad to see that she’s the only one treating this movie like it’s worth a damn. In stark contrast, Chris Klein is hilariously miscast as Interpol agent Charlie Nash, and he plays the character like the bastard love child of Christian Slater and David Caruso. He snarks and scowls his way through every scene and tries to be cool and snide, but because it’s Chris Klein, the doofus from American Pie and Election, he simply comes across like a parody of every young, brash, impetuous cop you’ve ever seen in every hackneyed, piece-of-crap, B-grade cop movie ever made. It’s gloriously bad.  Think Bill Pullman’s character from Ruthless People, except he’s unintentionally funny.
Also, Neal McDonough plays M. Bison with an Irish accent despite the fact that the character grew up as an orphan in Thailand. I still can’t figure that one out.

Basically, the movie is garbage from top to bottom. I leave you now with quotes I actually said during the movie.
“SHUT UP AND FIGHT SOMEONE!”
“I guess Michael Clarke Duncan is playing the world’s strongest secretary.”
“Oh great. More scenes with these two idiots. Just what this movie needed.”
“That’s… it? That was the whole fight? Well, that was mercifully short.”
“This movie’s starting to get good! …Oh, goddammit, no!”

Question: What do you get when you get rid of the camp and fun of the first Street Fighter film, but leave in all the fireball-throwing nonsense, the bad acting and the plot holes?
Answer: This bullshit movie.
2/10

Not seen: Wolverine shitting himself in fear.

My nerdiness rears its ugly head yet again, as I’m here to give a review of something that probably nobody reading this cares about: the Hulk Vs. animated films.
Since we’ve been entertained thoroughly by recent comic-to-film adaptations (well, some adaptations), I thought I’d take one for the team and watch and review the Hulk Vs. movies, especially since they may have fallen under everyone’s radar. Since these two features are in a direct-to-video set, you’d be inclined to think that they’re hit-or-miss, and they are, but they’re entertaining for what they are nonetheless.

First up on the chopping block is Hulk Vs. Wolverine, which I’m sad to say is the weakest of the two features. Given that this film focuses on two of the most well-known characters from Marvel Comics, you’d think that this one would be the best; however, that’s not the case.

The story begins with Wolverine being forced by the Canadian government to track down the Hulk as he has laid waste to a small village in British Columbia. Why was Wolverine specifically chosen to do this? That’s been left a mystery, but what we are told is that Wolverine has to find the Hulk before he causes any more property damage. After a little snooping, Wolverine’s tracking skills lead him to the big green guy himself, and before you can say Weapon X, both Hulk and Wolverine are captured by a veritable rogues gallery of characters who have a personal vendetta against the ragin’ Canadjun.

And here is the point where things begin to derail.

My main problem with the film comes down to motivation. I’m aware that one can only tell so much story in 40 minutes (both features together add up to be about an hour and a half), so some characters’ backstories will have to fall to the wayside. However, when your entire roster of villains in a story have no story of their own, it all just seems like mindless violence.

Why does Lady Deathstrike hate Wolverine so much?
How do Deadpool and Wolverine know each other so well?
Who, or what, in the hell is Omega Red?

If you can’t answer these questions off the top of your head, you should either head to Wikipedia for a little educational course in comic lore or just accept this film as a series of completely mindless, unmotivated, violent scenes. And yes, there’s quite a bit of violence to be had. Plenty of death, blood and loss of limbs — no joke.

(As an aside, Hulk and Wolverine fight each other for maybe a minute or two before they’re sidetracked into this separate story…. So why is it called Hulk Vs. Wolverine, exactly?)

The biggest saving grace (or most distracting element, depending on your point of view) is Deadpool, the Merc with a mouth. They really nail that character down and make him a nice compliment to the other villains. He’s genuinely funny and is definitely the most memorable part of the cartoon, hands down. Seeing him here actually makes me look forward to see how Ryan Reynolds will portray him in the upcoming X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie.

The next feature is Hulk Vs. Thor, which, despite my preconceived notions, was actually quite good. Unlike Hulk Vs. Wolverine, Hulk Vs. Thor sets up the world and the characters, and at no point did I ever find myself looking for plot holes or character motivation. Perhaps it’s because the makers of this feature knew that not that many people know Thor, so they did a more thorough job of explaining things. Then again, my passing knowledge of Norse mythology probably didn’t hurt in understanding, either.

The story takes place on the last day of Odin’s winter sleep, where the minions of darkness lay defeated at the hands of the defenders of the Norse god kingdom of Asgard. Loki, Norse god of Petulant Assholishness and Goofy Headwear, brings the Hulk to the realm of the gods and takes over his mind in order to use him as a weapon in one last, desperate bid to destroy Thor and rule Asgard.

The story, despite being only about 40 minutes long, still manages to not only give clear explanation as to what’s going on, but it also provides some twists and turns to the story. Not only that, but the animation is even better in this cartoon than in HVW. Given the epic nature of this story and the fact that it focuses on warring gods who fight with swords and sorcery in a mystical kingdom, the whole feature felt a little like an animated Lord of the Rings cartoon… except the Hulk is there. Which is awesome.

Whether you’re a fan of the comics or not, I’d recommend watching Hulk Vs. Thor… should you find yourself with the option to watch it. It’s not so great that you should go out of your way and buy it immediately, but it’s worth a rent… or download, depending on your views of video piracy.

Overall, this set is candy for the comic faithful, but won’t convert the uninitiated.
Hulk Vs. Wolverine – 6/10
Hulk Vs. Thor – 8/10