Jesus Fucking Christ.

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 has the notorious distinction of being the ONLY film to be in the Top (Bottom?) 20 Worst Films of all time on three of the most well-known film reviewer aggregate sites on the web: IMDb, RottenTomatoes and Metacritic. Let that sink in for a moment. Not only do all of the educated and legitimately published critics on the planet think that the movie is the worst piece of crap ever made, but so do the basement-dwelling, OCD nerds who have nothing better to do than watch movies and comment about them on internet forums. Bottom line, EVERYONE agrees that this movie is garbage. This film is, quite literally, the worst of the worst, and that is precisely why I watched it. And since I don’t like suffering alone (my girlfriend refused to watch the movie with me), I’m reviewing this piffle for all to experience.

The story (if you can call it that) follows a boy named Kahuna, a child who…. *sigh*
Okay, look. I’m going to explain the “plot” of this movie now, so you’re about to read the stupidest sentences you’ve ever read in your life in rapid-fire succession: Brace yourself. Also, spoilers abound, but it’s not like you’re actually going to watch this shitty movie, right?

SPOILER: This actually happens in the movie.

Moving along…. Kahuna is a 4-year-old-looking boy (they never say his age) who is a super sleuth who uses crazy spy gadgets like a miniature James Bond. When he has to resort to fisticuffs, Kahuna drinks a super serum of his own design that gives him super strength and the ability to run up walls and jump really high in some of the worst displays of wirework ever seen in a film. Kahuna uses his tools to fight the evil, German Colonel Kane (Jon Voight) and foil his attempts at trying to take over the world.

He eats his Wheaties! And steroids.

As retarded as this all is, it’s actually just a story that a baby is telling other babies — Kahuna is just an urban legend, of sorts, amongst the toddler community. The audience then breathes a sigh of relief as they realize, “Oh! This retarded bullcrap is all just the imagination of a pants-crappingly stupid-ass baby! Boy, am I relieved. For a second, I thought this movie was actually going to be about this horrible, nonsensical shit.”

Then Act 2 starts, and Kahuna and Jon Voight’s Colonel Klink impersonation show up in the context of the “real world.” Not only that, but Kahuna is still a baby despite the fact that the “legend” of Kahuna took place in Cold War era Berlin.

It’s at about this point that the audience realizes that this movie has gone off the fucking rails, detoured into Crazy Town and staked permanent residence. Yes, this whole movie really is all about a goddamn super agent toddler with a rocket-powered baby buggy and glowing super serum beating the shit out of Jon Voight and his army of ne’er-do-wells.

They're laughing at the audience, not with them.

Several babies (and their sitter) get embroiled in this international game of espionage when they accidentally bump into an agent of Kane’s and unknowingly end up with a data disc containing… something. Who cares? Anyway, seeing that they’re in danger from Kane, Kahuna swoops in and protects the little bastards by whisking them away to his secret lair that looks like Michael Jackson’s bedroom.

"So you, uh... live here? It's, um... nice. Very nice."

It’s here where the audience is explained many things about Kahuna, none of which make sense. First, the little kid Kahuna is actually an old man who was born in the 1940s. He looks young because his scientist father made a super soldier serum that had a side effect of freezing Kahuna’s aging process, making him forever a young boy. He’s nearly 70-years-old, but he looks four. If you stop to think about that for more than a second, you’ll realize this plot development brings up more creepy grown-up-in-young-body questions than Twilight could ever dream of.

"108-year-old SWM seeks 16-year-old female. Must like nighttime walks and/or sparkly skin. Enjoying baseball is a plus. No fatties."

Second, Kahuna and Colonel Kane are — bum, bum BUMMM! — brothers! Kane resented Kahuna getting the serum because he was older and felt he deserved it, so Kane spent his entire life in a pissing match with his (literally) baby brother, essentially making him the most pathetic villain in the history of anything ever.

I have a question for the makers of this film: Why attempt a backstory or any semblance of character development when it’s so goddamn stupid?

Movie Cliché #135: Super serums and science-based elixers must glow because of SCIENCE.

Moving right along, Kahuna decides he needs help to stop his brother’s scheme for world domination, so Kahuna uses a machine that gives the other babies super powers (LIKE IN THE TITLE LOL!) so they can help him fight the evil blah, blah — you know what? Screw this dumb shit. I’m getting a headache just trying to recollect this movie so that I can write this review, and I’m running out of Aspirin.

Everything you need to know about this movie is contained in this one picture. Fuck this idiotic film.

I usually don’t get angry at movies, but Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is ten hours of pure stupid condensed into 85 minutes, and I hated every second of it. Okay, granted, the title alone should clue you in on how bad it is, but nothing can prepare you for how bad it REALLY is. There is nothing good about this movie. Nothing. This movie deserves every bit of scorn that it’s received. It’s the film equivalent of cancer and AIDS put together.

I’ve seen The Star Wars Holiday Special, Battlefield Earth, Gigli, Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever and almost every Uwe Boll film made, and Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is the film that almost broke me.
0/10

"Hey, big boy. Wanna play a game with us?"

The video game Muscle March tells the classic tale of a gaggle of weightlifters who had their protein shake powder stolen by a football player/Martian who is then chased from Japan to outer space by the muscle-bound behemoths trying to get their drink mix back.
Okay, so it’s not so much a classic story as it is a fucking bat-shit insane one, but who needs a story when you’re talking about an arcade-style, downloadable Wii game?

Muscle March was released on the WiiWare Channel in Japan in late May this year, and it’s every bit as crazy as this video portrays it.

As you could see from that footage, the point of this way-hetero game is to select your not-at-all-gay-looking character and strike flexing poses to fit through the holes punched out by the protein-shake thieves as they smash through walls. Using the Wiimote and nunchuck, you strike a pose by lowering or raising your arms, your movements corresponding to your characters’. Pose incorrectly and you run into the wall and get hurt — get hurt 5 times and you lose. When your more-than-likely-heterosexual character gets close enough to the perp, you go into a short mini-game where you shake the Wiimote and nunchuck as fast as possible to make your character run faster and eventually hip tackle the thief in a completely straight manner. Screw up and the level starts over again.

Totally not gay.

There are three levels in Muscle March (Modern Japan, Feudal Japan and Outer Space… yes, I’m serious) with each level having three sub-levels. The game also has an endurance mode where it’s one unending level; the point being to rack up the highest score possible by seeing how far/fast you can go without messing up.

The game tries to coast on quirk and charm (and let’s face it, sheer madness), but as you can probably guess, it’s still a pretty shallow gaming experience. The controls, while functional and fun, are extremely simplistic. I mean, I described the ENTIRE game to you: Lift your arms like an idiot, chase guy, the end. You can pretty much see everything the game has to offer in half an hour. It’s like a mini-game from Wario Ware being stretched out about as far as it can go.

WHO IS PLAYER? OH MY GOD, BEAR IS PLAYER! HOW CAN THIS BE!?

I hate to bring up graphics when concerning a downloadable game, but the Playstation 1 could probably run Muscle March. The textures are muddied and most of the low-res sprites are downright terrible. You could argue that the bad graphics are part of its charm, and you might be right, but when you see it in motion, some of the visuals are downright inexcusable. On the plus side, the game runs at a decent clip without any frame rate hiccups or slowdown.

Wait a minute.... Is that a baby chick sitting in that black guy's afro like it's a bird's nest? That's racist... right?

If Muscle March were $5 or cheaper, I’d recommend it for its sheer absurdity alone: It’s almost worth owning just to show people that this game actually exists. Guaranteed, you and your friends will laugh playing this crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat game. However, given that Muscle March is actually $8, it’s a bit hard to recommend. To me, three bucks is the difference between a fun lark on a lazy afternoon and an all-too-short arcade game that you regret for spending that much money on.

And did I mention how completely not gay it is?

It’s fun and all, I guess, but the price point is hard to swallow.
(Heh, heh…. Not gay.)
5/10

PRO-TIP: If you’re having a hard time beating a level, try intentionally getting hurt a couple times near the beginning of the stage. The level is only a certain length, so you can protract the introductory slow part by running into the walls before the hard parts begin. Sure, your score will decrease, but your odds of beating the game will be better.

For only being 12-years-old, Astro Boy's got some big guns.

In a technologically advanced future where robots are servants to humans, a spiky-haired young boy finds out that not only is he not human like he once thought, but that he’s actually one of the most advanced androids ever made. After a power-hungry madman has absconded weaponized robots to fulfill his nefarious purposes, the young mechanical boy goes out on his own, befriends a robotic dog, and with the help of some confidants, discovers that he is the only one with the power to stand a chance against the forces of evil.

But enough about the Mega Man video games. I’m here to talk about the new animated film Astro Boy, based on the well-loved manga/anime series.

Pictured: NOT Astro Boy... I don't think.

First and foremost, the film has an excellent style that, while staying true to many of the character designs from the anime, still manages to find its own vision. It’s a very bright and vibrant film, and it feels like a fully-realized, candy-colored world. It’s an action-packed cartoon and it knows it.

That said, while I really wanted to like this film, there’s some flaws with it. Much like a lot of other animated films, stunt casting was used and not to great effect. Why have big-budget actors like Charlize Theron and Samuel L. Jackson do voices in the film if they’re only going to say three lines? They didn’t contribute anything.
Also, and I hate to say this because I like him, Donald Sutherland doesn’t do a good job. His voice attached to that particular character didn’t mesh well at all, and Sutherland’s heart didn’t seem into it.

I also hate to say this: Nicholas Cage did a better job.

I know that Astro Boy is supposed to be a kids film, but the humor, while not potty in nature, still feels juvenile. A lot of the jokes fell flat and didn’t really work. There’s entire groups of characters that serve NO PURPOSE in the film other than to pad it with jokes. Sure, I can tolerate the cute robot dog, but the robo-butler and the members of the Robot Revolution Front just take up space.

However, Mike the Talking Fridge had his moments.

Overall, Astro Boy isn’t terrible, but it isn’t the best animated film I, or you, have ever seen. It’s above average, but not by much. It has a lot of good qualities, but not enough to make it great. The action is decent and fun, the plot is okay, and there’s a few touching moments, but walking away from the film, I couldn’t help but think how much better it could have been.

If I were 8-years-old, I’d love the shit out of this movie.
But I’m 28 now, so… yeah.

7/10

Documentary?

The Apocalypse. Armageddon. The end of the world. Many people seem to believe that there will be indicators to signal that the end is nigh, particularly some Christians who dwell on the wackiest of Biblical scriptures, the Book of Revelations. Shepard Smith of FOX News thinks a certain food item is a sign of the Apocalypse.

But food never scared me (unless it was low-fat or — God forbid — vegan *shudders*). No, I feel a true indicator of the endtimes will be much more wide-spread and devastating than doughnut burgers made by trailer-trash hicks in Massachusetts. A real sign of the coming Apocalypse has to reach the entire world’s population, and it has to seem so awful that it can’t be real. It must be terrible enough that when you hear its mere mention, you’ll feel revulsion like you’ve never felt before.

I speak, of course, about the recent announcement that production has started on the sequel to Showgirls. Yes, THAT Showgirls. And in case you are in doubt of its validity, there’s a slickly-made website for it, complete with broken English (and nudity)!

My wanting is now!

Why, that introductory video was bloated, trashy and awful enough to almost seem like the real deal!
Honestly though, the director/writer must live inside his own ass to be that pompous over a fucking sequel to fucking Showgirls. Do me a favor and say it out loud, right now: Showgirls 2. Don’t you feel sick just saying it? Showgirls 2. *shudders again*

Question: Why? Who would want this? Haven’t we suffered enough? Do the filmmakers think they can actually improve the world by making this film? Everybody who has actually seen Showgirls felt like dying afterwards, so I’m sure the sequel will drive rational people to homicide. Or murder suicide.

Jonestown Massacre or premiere of 'Showgirls 2'? You decide.

The end is nigh — repent now. I, not being a religious man, will take up a new hobby: getting drunk.

Every year, Rotten Tomatoes — the film review aggregation site — updates their list of the worst-reviewed films of all time… or at least the worst-reviewed films in the history of their site. They just recently posted their list of the Bottom 100 Films of the past decade, and it’s kind of startling to see how many extremely recent films (under a year old) are on the list. Even more startling to me is how many of the films on the list I’ve actually seen.

One of the people in this photo is mentally handicapped. Guess which one. (I think you'll be surpried.)

At my office today, my co-workers and I took great pleasure in going down the list and making fun of the films on it. At a cursory glance, I thought, “I’ve seen about twelve or thirteen of these. Maybe more.” Curiosity getting the best of me, I actually tallied how many of them I had seen.

Final count: 26.

Keep in mind that I didn’t count films that I started watching and turned off/walked out of before they were over. These are films that I have seen in their entirety. If we counted films that I had only partially seen, the number would be closer to 40, probably more.

I dare you not to stare at John Travolta's codpiece.

For the record, I have seen almost every Uwe Boll film made. Admittedly, some of his films are hard to find, so I can’t say I’ve seen all of them. Also, I have seen Battlefield Earth… twice. Three times if you count the Rifftrax version of it. I’ve even seen Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever, the worst-reviewed film of all time. 107 reviews to its name and not one positive. Odds are, if you show this film to 100 random people, not a single one of them will like it.

In this photo, the main characters for 'Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever' try to remember their motivation.

I’m a glutton for punishment. I admit it. God knows I can’t hide it. Anyone who has seen some of the movies I’ve reviewed on this site knows that I willingly watch pure garbage. I blame Mystery Science Theater 3000 for culling my tolerance towards crap… although I know that’s not a very good excuse. Oh well.

So, how many films on the Bottom 100 have you seen?

I just now almost got into a fight. And I do mean just now — as in only about 20 minutes ago.

I was in our apartment’s laundry room, waiting to do some emergency laundry. (We’ve all been there — underwear, socks, towels and the like.) I had a load of laundry to do and it had to get done tonight. All the washing machines were taken, and I waited ten minutes next to a washer filled with someone’s already-finished wash. That’s ten minutes spent just staring at the only would-be available machine. I finally got fed up and took the guy’s clean laundry out… only for him to walk in right after I did it.

He… didn’t seem happy. In fact, he seemed seconds away from punching me.

WHAT I ALMOST SAID:
“Look, buddy, you should expect this to happen when you take up the last three machines in a communal laundry room and not take your stuff out on time. We only have 6 machines to share between over 100 people, and I’ve waited 15, 20, 40 minutes before for people to take their finished laundry out. I waited ten minutes for you and I just assumed you were another one of the loafers in our apartment complex. If I had known you were going to come in just five more minutes, I would’ve waited.”

WHAT I ACTUALLY SAID:
“Um… sorry.”

He went on to berate me (because I confessed that I did it when he questioned me and I apologized) and finished by saying, “In the future, wait a little longer for someone to get their laundry!”
He then very tersely walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

I don’t entirely blame him for his reaction (although he got angrier than I thought anyone would over this), but am I in the wrong? Can you blame me for what I did?
I don’t like to touch other people’s clean laundry any more than I like touching my dirty laundry — I avoid it at all opportunities. But goddammit, it’s just rude to not keep track of your crap in that situation.

At least I actually waited for the guy, fessed up to taking his stuff out when questioned and genuinely apologized afterwards. He still looked like he wanted to punch my face in, though.

Here’s the bad news: Assuming he’s now on top of things, I’m going to run into him again tonight when I put my wash into the dryer and he takes his stuff out. I hope he didn’t spend all his time stewing over this and decks me the second he sees me.

UPDATE: As expected, I ran into him. We exchanged glances (his glance was more of a scowl) and that was that. We both internally decided to just leave it alone; he already said all he wanted to and I wanted to let sleeping dogs lie out of fear of a face-punching. DRAMA AVERTED!

"Second film, same as the first. A little bit louder and a lot bit worse."

For me, writing this review is sort of like having to do spring cleaning: You look around at all of the ground you have to cover, feel overwhelmed at it all and think to yourself that perhaps it’s best to just say “fuck it” and give up before you even started. I honestly have no idea how to start. I feel like I have been tasked with having to shave a wooly mammoth: Where do I begin? How do I go about it? What do I do?

Fuck it.

Basically every bit of bad press you’ve read about this movie is true. All of it. The excessive running time (which is hardly of note to me since it’s only 6 minutes longer than the first film), the beyond non-sensical plot, the over-abundance of “comic” relief characters, the excessive loudness and, yes, the racist caricatures. If you thought Jazz from Transformers was bad, you haven’t seen Skids and Mudflap.

Meet the new heroes: Amos and Andybot.

True story: Given the three act structure of most films, I could see that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was winding down, from a plot standpoint. So I looked at my watch and was shocked to see that there was a whole hour left. No joke.
But I digress….

Odds are, if you like reading reviews of bad movies as much as I do, you’ve already heard all the bad stuff about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Essentially, I have nothing new to tell you about the film. I could literally go scene-by-scene and tell you why it’s stupid — it’s honestly that bad. But I’ll spare you all of that and try to give a different perspective than one you’ve heard before.

When Pirates of the Caribbean came out, people loved it. It felt original and fresh, but I feel that a large part of that came from the fact that we hadn’t seen a pirate film given a multi-million dollar budget, a shiny coat and an epic feeling of fun in many years. The last time someone made a wide release film in the pirate genre (assuming that it exists) was Cutthroat Island — one of the biggest flops of all time — back in 1995.

So what was the last, live-action giant robot film you had seen before Transformers came along? Robot Jox? That movie was garbage, and again, it was made back in 1990. Does Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow count? I guess you could argue that it does, but the whole thing was more cartoon than live-action, and the robots were only featured in the first half hour. Regardless, neither film is thought of fondly and both films didn’t do well at the box office.

Despite the lack of recent giant robot films, you have to admit that people love giant robots and they love seeing them pummel each other. However, no one has taken that (admittedly flimsy) concept and given it a huge budget, a shiny coat and an epically fun feel. Just because the frat-boy man-child Michael Bay squats one out doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good. Granted, it feels fresh and new and exciting, but if you’re the first out of the gate once everything has been declared dead, that doesn’t mean you’re automatically worthy of praise.

When Sideways watched "Revenge of the Fallen", he went all to pieces! HA! Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week.

You know, to be honest, I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than to say I can understand why people want to like this movie. I know why the Transformers fanboys — of which I used to be one — defend this film (of which I would never do). You want your white horse to deliver and you’re willing to forgive its imperfections to justify its existence and its revenue stream. You want it to succeed. You want this film with the name “Transformers” on it to make money, thereby getting as many films as possible. I understand. But it’s not a good film. Even by junk food, action cinema standards, it’s pretty lousy. And above all, it’s not Transformers.

Picture the Harry Potter films. The books are beloved the world over. Now imagine if, when it came to adapting them to film, someone decided to change it up a bit and make the film more palatable to a general audience. So Ron Weasley is changed to be a hip, slang-talkin’ black kid from the streets. And Hermoine is mute, except she uses sound bites from a radio to broadcast her thoughts to people. Also, the film would primarily focus on the tertiary characters instead of the original main cast. Would the Harry Potter fan base accept that as being Harry Potter? No. So why should the Transformers fan base accept these film adaptations? Simply because they exist? Not good enough, says I.

Left: Devastator from the cartoon. Right: Devastator from the film. Huh?

I know the filmmakers said they took liberties with the property (especially the designs) because they wanted them to be more realistic. Yes, because when you’re making a film about giant transforming robots from outer space, you should really concern yourself with realism.
But I digress….

People have told me that I’ve been too hard on these films; that I’m too judgmental with too high of standards. After all, they’re geared towards kids, right? They’re toyetic — they push merchandise.
Look, just because a film is aimed at a younger audience doesn’t mean the filmmakers should shoot for the lowest common denominator and not give a crap about the end product. Besides, can you name a kids film that is 150 minutes long and contains two separate scenes of dogs humping each other, a character eating pot brownies, upskirt panty shots of a woman trying to dry hump someone, a robot that has a penis that doubles as a gun, graphic shots of another robot’s giant testicles (still trying to figure that one out), a close-up of John Turturro’s ass and garbage while wearing a thong, a robot dry-humping a woman’s leg (AND SHE DOESN’T MIND IT!?) and characters that say, “pussy,” “bitch-ass” and “fuck?”
This film is PG-13. A lot of shit can still get through in between that PG and R, my friends.

In the end, this film is just as jumbled, chaotic, under-plotted, loud, annoying and dumb as the first film, if not more so. So if you liked the first film, then I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you might like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The bad news is that you might have a learning disability.

I would call this film bullshit, but that’s an insult to fertilizer.
3/10

After recently watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I felt compelled to express my feelings towards the film the only way I knew how: Hastily editing together random film clips.

And you know what? This video still makes more sense than the film did.

If you would like an actual written review of the film that’s filled with my customary acerbic wit, sound off in the comments section and I will oblige. But it’s too late for me to write something now. After watching that film, I have to lie down and get some sleep as soon as possible. Perhaps in the morning my ears will stop ringing.

All right. I might lose friends over this, but it has to be done for posterity sake — news and pop culture is fickle and forgetful. If you’re easily offended, skip this post.

That said, let’s get it over with…

Today marks the first day that Michael Jackson has been stiff without a five year-old boy nearby.

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There will be a post-mortem today to determine what is to blame for Michael Jackson’s death:
A) Sunshine
B) Moonlight
C) Good Times
D) Boogie
[Click here if you don't get it.]

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Turns out it was food poisoning that killed Michael Jackson. He ate an 8 year-old wiener.

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When Farrah Fawcett died, God granted her one wish: that all the world’s children will be safe. So then God immediately killed Michael Jackson.

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Walmart has decided to introduce a new sale for this summer to honor Michael Jackson: All boys pants half off.

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When Michael Jackson was first rushed to the hospital, it wasn’t because of a heart attack. He went to the pediatric ward for a stroke.

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Q: Why wasn’t Michael Jackson saved in time?
A: There were only two of Charlie’s Angels available.

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Michael Jackson’s ashes will be spread in a sandbox so that after his death, he’ll end up in little boys’ shorts.

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Michael Jackson went to his plastic surgeon and said, “Doctor, I was hoping you could make my skin whiter.” “Whiter?” said the doctor. “The only way you could get whiter is if you became a ghost.”  So then Michael went home and died.

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Q: What’s Hell to Michael Jackson?
A: Being surrounded by people that can grow pubic hair.

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Part of Michael Jackson’s contract with Pepsi stipulated that — because he was 99% plastic anyway — when he died, he would be melted down into Pepsi bottles. That way he could end up in childrens’ mouths.

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Okay. That’s it. I’m spent. Now I have to pack my bags and prepare for going to Hell. “SHAM ON!“

I recently went on a trip to visit The House on the Rock in scenic Spring Green, Wisconsin. I made this video to illustrate my thoughts on it. Enjoy.

If you would like more information concerning The House on the Rock, please consult Neil Gaiman’s American Gods and the music video for More Than This by the band 10,000 Maniacs.