I fought the law…

For those not in the know, YouTube has had a bit of trouble recently with various record labels and movie distribution studios. The suits in charge of these multi-national media conglomerates want complete control of their creative property [ed. note: That they themselves didn't actually create]. As such, they really get their panties in a twist when they see people upload videos that contain their copyrighted material to the largest video sharing site on the internet.

YouTube has tried to fan the flames and strike deals with these media companies, as the people that own most of the accounts on their site are just regular Joes, like you or me. Since we can’t defend ourselves from these big companies should we accidentally (or not) encroach on their property, YouTube has accepted the role of moderator.

In a metaphorical way, YouTube is like the parent who is met with an, “I hate you,” by the child they had to scold. YouTube willingly accepts the blame when people yell at them for taking down their video because it used a clip from a TV show or a snippet from a song owned by these companies. But like a scolded child, our lashing out against YouTube is just a knee-jerk reaction that we don’t really mean. The real enemy isn’t YouTube — they’re just saving their asses from getting sued. The enemies are the litigious companies that threaten YouTube. (And the media companies would call us the enemy.)

One deal that YouTube has come up with is to have advertisements for the movie/song in question embedded as pop-up ads in the video itself. The page which hosts the video will also have banner ads on it, displaying information that’s (sometimes) relative to the video’s content. Not a bad deal, right?
Well, several companies didn’t take kindly to that — they wanted COMPLETE CONTROL of their assets, and so they pulled out. Now YouTube has been forced to institute a zero-tolerance policy with ANY video that has anything to do with NBC/Universal, UMG, Viacom and (since December) Warner Music Group. I want you to understand that when I say zero-tolerance, I mean ZERO-tolerance.
Yes, even if you’re in the band, your record label won’t let you upload your own music videos to YouTube.

I told you all of that so that I could tell you this: I recently had a dust up with YouTube.
With my Inappropriate Soundtracks (refer to the sidebar for a link to my YouTube page), I mix and mash up music with film to make a pop culture casserole made of crap. As you can imagine, given the current climate over at YouTube, I’ve had my fair share of run-ins with copyright infringement. I’d argue that it’s parody/satire and since I’m not making money off of them, it could be considered fair use, but it doesn’t matter. (Zero-tolerance, remember?) I’ve had about 8 videos total get taken down at YouTube due to copyright infringement, but the video I uploaded this morning was special.

They allowed the video to stay, but they removed the audio because I used a song owned by the Warner Music Group in it. I was left in a weird situation; my videos NEED the music to be funny, but I didn’t feel like taking down the video after all the work I put into it and after several people had already seen it. What was I to do?

Well, I took a stand and turned the video into a platform in which to present the copyright issue as satire. I added (childish) annotations to the video making fun of WMG and how companies view us Joe YouTubes. Click the link below to see the fruits of my labor. I hope you get a chuckle.

[My mute, yet annotated, Wizard of Oz Inappropriate Soundtrack video]

Watchmen Review

"I'm gonna steal every scene if it's the last thing I do!"

Watchmen takes place in an alternate 1985, where superheroes are very real and so is the threat of full-scale nuclear war. The United States and Russia are vying for power in a veritable pissing match over who has the most nuclear weapons, and the Doomsday Clock is five minutes to midnight.
Against this pleasant backdrop, we have the murder of The Comedian, a former superhero who was a part of the now-disbanded crime fighting group, The Minutemen. Masked vigilante Rorschach investigates The Comedian’s death and tries to unravel the mystery of who would kill this superhero and why. As he digs deeper into this whodunit, other former masked adventurers begin to suspect that Rorschach is onto something, and that they may all be at risk of being murdered themselves.

To the comic fans, despite your reasons for an outpouring of nerd rage over this film, I suggest you just suck it up and accept it, because this is as close as anyone is, or was, ever going to get to translating the Watchmen graphic novel to film. I’m not saying it’s flawless by any means — no film is — but it’s hard to imagine how one could do better in taking this nigh 400 page graphic novel and converting it into a 2 and a half hour film. Zack Snyder should be commended for not fucking up as much as he could have. Honestly.
Since he got more things right than wrong and for the sake of brevity, I’ll pretty much just focus on what I didn’t like about the film because that’s just the kind of optimistic guy I am!

You know how I make Inappropriate Soundtracks by taking music and putting it to a scene from a film to make it ironic and comical and thus, take you out of the movie?

That altered scene I just posted was less jarring than most of the music cues in Watchmen.
Look, I understand that the film takes place in the 80s, so you’d want music that’s evocative of the time, but hearing “99 Luftballoons” and “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” during the scenes where they were used in the film, it just seemed… inappropriate. If they released a soundtrack album, I would like almost all of the songs on it, but the use of some of the music choices were less than ideal. It would’ve been more effective and dramatic in some scenes if they utilized a more proper orchestral score.

I also hate to say this, but in a sense, I think a detriment to the film is how closely it follows the comic. Dialogue and story progression in a graphic novel is approached differently than in film. Lines that sound perfectly fine in a comic can come out clunky when spoken aloud. The multitude of flashbacks and non-linear story progression, while expertly handled and novel back in 1985, almost seems a tad cliché and trite now. Then again, deviations can bring about nerd rage, which brings me to one of the major contentions that I’ve heard….

Yes, they changed the ending. If you haven’t seen the movie, but have read the comic, I guarantee you that your jaw just dropped after reading that. I don’t want to give away spoilers, so I’ll just say that you don’t have to worry. The change in the ending, when all is said and done, is quite cosmetic and not worth getting in a huff over. The ending they have is actually quite good and given what they focused on in the story, it felt like a natural conclusion. In fact, after my friends (who had not read the book) and I had watched the movie together, I told them how the graphic novel ended, and they looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. In all honesty, those who have not read the book might find this ending superior because it felt more — for lack of a better word — real.

And now, some random thoughts:
• Rorschach’s amazing. He’s great in the graphic novel, too, so it’s expected, but if you had reservations about if they got him right or not, forget about it — they nailed him.
• The Comedian’s debauchery and douchebaggery was really brought to life. He’s way more menacing when seen in live-action.
• I honestly don’t remember that much graphic violence and sex in the graphic novel… although, I do remember that much blue cock. (Seriously, the amount of screen time Dr. Manhattan’s dong gets is about 5 whole minutes. No joke.)

Although, I enjoyed the film, I can’t really recommend it for everyone — this is a really violent deconstruction of superheroes, and if you aren’t aware of the construct, you might not be in on the joke. I mean, it is a joke, after all…. It’s all just a joke.
8.5/10

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li Review

"Wait... weren't you Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat? What crappy video game film adaptation is this supposed to be again?"

Signs that the movie you’re watching is probably not going to be good:
1) It wasn’t screened for critics.
2) It was based on a video game.
3) The biggest star in the movie is listed last in the credits.
4) One of the Black Eyed Peas is cast as a major character in it.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li has all of these strikes against it and more. Come along with me and find out more, won’t you?

As its title suggests, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li is based on the Street Fighter series of video games, and it tells the origin story of the Chinese female protagonist, Chun-Li. The mythology of Street Fighter games 1 and 2 and the Street Fighter Alpha series is cribbed for the script, and it does its best to be as accurate and true to the mythos as possible. Trouble is, the story wasn’t very good to begin with. Let’s be honest; Street Fighter is a fighting game (duh), and the story to a fighting game is little more than justification for characters to beat the ever-loving hell out of each other. In the context of a game, the story’s at least serviceable — your character roughs up some morons until they’re all gone, then you fight the Big Bad. As far as the movie’s concerned,… to say the story is lacking is a laughable understatement.

The plot of the movie does double duty by being both nonsensical and barely existent. What little story there is is basically told through rushed, expository dialogue, and there are plot holes out the ass. Characters act to only advance the story with little logic or motive behind any of their actions. Why did M. Bison kidnap Chun-Li’s father? Why is Chun-Li following the cryptic message of an ancient scroll that was sent to her from an anonymous stranger? Why in the hell are agents of Interpol listening to the advice of Chun-Li — a former concert pianist and current vigilante — in how to trap one of the most dangerous men in the world? Why am I watching this shit?
Unfortunately, the movie never answers any of these questions.

Okay, so the plot blows. A lot. But hey, it’s a martial arts movie, and the plot doesn’t have to be that good as long as the action is decent!  …So is the action decent?
No, it’s not.
Each action setpiece is brimming with crappy wire-fu that would have felt dated 5 years ago. Not only that, but the fight scenes are shot in that “Oh no, I’m going to vomit!” shaky-cam, quick-cut bullcrap that we’ve seen so much in films recently. Many of the action scenes end abruptly, which, given how much they suck, is almost welcomed. Chun-Li’s fight with Vega — a masked madman who is built up in the movie to be some insane badass of the likes of Darth Maul — is a scene of particular note because it clocks in at under a single minute. Swing, miss, kick, punch, stomp, over.

Across the board, the acting is pretty abysmal. Kristen Kreuk does her darnedest with the material given to her, and it’s pretty sad to see that she’s the only one treating this movie like it’s worth a damn. In stark contrast, Chris Klein is hilariously miscast as Interpol agent Charlie Nash, and he plays the character like the bastard love child of Christian Slater and David Caruso. He snarks and scowls his way through every scene and tries to be cool and snide, but because it’s Chris Klein, the doofus from American Pie and Election, he simply comes across like a parody of every young, brash, impetuous cop you’ve ever seen in every hackneyed, piece-of-crap, B-grade cop movie ever made. It’s gloriously bad.  Think Bill Pullman’s character from Ruthless People, except he’s unintentionally funny.
Also, Neal McDonough plays M. Bison with an Irish accent despite the fact that the character grew up as an orphan in Thailand. I still can’t figure that one out.

Basically, the movie is garbage from top to bottom. I leave you now with quotes I actually said during the movie.
“SHUT UP AND FIGHT SOMEONE!”
“I guess Michael Clarke Duncan is playing the world’s strongest secretary.”
“Oh great. More scenes with these two idiots. Just what this movie needed.”
“That’s… it? That was the whole fight? Well, that was mercifully short.”
“This movie’s starting to get good! …Oh, goddammit, no!”

Question: What do you get when you get rid of the camp and fun of the first Street Fighter film, but leave in all the fireball-throwing nonsense, the bad acting and the plot holes?
Answer: This bullshit movie.
2/10

Big Brother Is Watching

A recent traffic light camera at an intersection in my neighborhood has been taken down. You know those cameras that are installed at traffic lights to catch people running red lights…? Yeah, well, this particular intersection is near the largest mall in the state and one of the largest malls in the country; Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, Illinois. People were getting ticketed by these traffic cameras and the city of Schaumburg was getting threats from consumers saying they would stop going to the mall because of it. The city eventually caved under pressure and took down the camera, and order was restored to the world.

Sounds like a story of whiny people simply getting pissed over getting caught breaking the law, right? I mean, the city has our best interests at heart — they said these lights were installed in order to reduce accidents, after all. Do you want us to get in wrecks and make the streets unsafe? Why are you complaining? You broke the law — deal with it.

Right?

Well, the real story is in the details. See, cities make SERIOUS fucking bank on these things. In fact, at this particular intersection, the city received $1 million through camera-issued tickets in the span of three months. One million dollars. In three months… at a SINGLE FUCKING INTERSECTION. I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not.
Again, to the uninformed, this just sounds like a lot of people getting caught committing a crime and they’re just getting pissed over it. Bully for the city for cracking down on such rampant crime! Huzzah!

But think about this: How is it possible, in the span of 3 months, that 10,000 people can run a red light at an intersection and yet only 7 total accidents occur? For the mathematicians out there, that’s over 111 occurrences of people running a red light at this one intersection in a single day. If you extrapolate it, in less than 2 years, every man, woman and child in Schaumburg would have gotten a ticket for running a red light at this lone intersection. Statistically, none of this seems possible…. Something’s up.

Traffic light cameras are programmed to take a photo and issue a ticket every time a car crosses the white line while the light is red, including instances of people going right on a red light, with no exceptions. Now think about your driving history and how these cameras would adversely affect your life:
Every time you inched your car over the line to see past the SUV next you… that’s a ticket. Every time you slammed your breaks and your bumper accidentally crossed the line… that’s a ticket. Every time there was a blizzard and you couldn’t see the line and accidentally crossed it… that’s a ticket.

That 111 moving violations a day begins to make sense now, doesn’t it? Crime seems rampant when there’s zero tolerance.

Even though the city said these cameras were to make these streets safer by lowering traffic accidents, they still took the camera down. But if the cameras actually lowered accident rates, why take it down? Why fold so easily? Is it because… THEY DON’T WORK? The city even admitted the cameras don’t work in reducing accidents, and even if they did, how could you conclusively prove it without getting into a “coincidence vs. direct correlation” argument?

Like electronic voting machines, we’re instituting flawed technology that only creates a nigh-incontestable situation that ultimately harms us. Sure, you can appeal the ticket, but they might not listen to you. And that’s $100 a pop down the tubes over virtually nothing. Imagine how awful it would be to drive around if they install these cameras at every intersection. One snowy day could fill your mailbox with traffic tickets, and believe me when I say I personally know people who got a bogus camera ticket at this exact intersection.

In Illinois, the government will look for any goddamn excuse to squeeze as many dollars out of us as possible. Road tolls, city stickers, and the highest sales taxes in the entire country. Money is the bottom line to them, which is why the city folded so quickly when people complained that they would stop shopping at Woodfield because of the traffic cameras. It’s not about making streets safer — it never was — it’s about money.

Big Brother is watching you, and he has dollar signs in his eyes.

Screw Montana

I know you’re reading that headline and if you’re from Montana, you may not like me right now. Well, I’m speaking today as a Montanan… well, a former Montanan. I moved to Illinois a few years ago after spending over half of my life in The Big Sky state, and I look back every once in a while in fondness. Today, however, I look back in disgust. Right when I think that state starts to become progressive, the legislature goes and pulls the most backwards, awful, malicious and downright evil thing I have ever seen in politics.

Republican Senator Dan McGee of Laurel, MT recently introduced Senate Bill 46, an amendment to the Right to Privacy article in the state’s Constitution. Given the recent track record of the government’s respect for “right to privacy,” everyone should have cause for alarm. For this case, it’s well justified.

The original Constitution article reads:

The right of individual privacy is essential to the well-being of a free society and shall not be infringed without the showing of a compelling state interest.

 

The amendment Mr. Magoo, I mean, McGee wants to add to that is:

The protection of unborn human life is a compelling state interest. 

 

The meaning behind this is both clear, and not at all. McGag, I mean, McGee is trying to circumvent the laws concerning that one little court ruling from many years ago by changing the state’s Constitution itself to basically say that Montana doesn’t view abortions as legal. (Why play fair when you can change the rules, eh?) Speaking as an unrepentant asshole, it’s almost admirable to see how hard he is spitting in the face of the Supreme Court, excluding the fact that he’s using such diabolical and careless means to reach his goal. See, given the loose words that he is using to make his Machiavellian dream a reality, he’s essentially… well, Allyson Hagen says it best.

“This amendment would authorize governmental intrusion into every pregnancy and undermine private medical decisions made between a woman and her doctor. We should be very careful when considering amending this vital protection against intrusive and unwarranted government intervention in our state constitution.”

That’s right, folks. Should this bill pass, essentially every pregnant woman in Montana would be under scrutiny of the ever-expanding Big Brother. Nothing will stop the government from planting a flag in your uterus. Montana now has emotional (apparently) and financial interest in your unborn baby. That baby’s not yours so much as it’s Montana’s now. In essence, your little shrimp-like fetus essentially becomes the state’s chattel property. Now, there’s a word for that and I’m trying to remember what that is…. It’s on the tip of my tongue…. Oh yeah, that’s it….

SLAVERY.

No need to mince words here. Once a human becomes property, that person is slavery — plain and simple. Pregnant women are being turned into a commodity, or at the very least, bargaining chips.
At what fucking point did everyone lose their goddamn minds? This is the twenty-first century United States, not Sudan in the 1400s. We’re talking about people, here. Human fucking beings. Is this what the Republican party has reduced themselves to in order to reach their goal — promoting slavery? You already look racist, Republican party. You might want to back the fuck off of pushing this bill for fear of looking not just sexist as well, but retarded and devoid of guidance.

Regardless, this bill is such a flagrant slap in the face of civil rights that there’s no way it’ll pass. Any senator with half a brain would vote against it.

‘Unborn life’ bill passes in Senate

No way. No fucking way. Jesus Christ, it fucking passed!? IT PASSED THE SENATE!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?! HAS THE WORLD GONE INSANE!? AAARRGGH! AAAAHHH!

*end transmission*

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Here is my annual Anti-Valentine’s Day e-card for this year. Feel free to send it to loved ones. Or hated ones. Whoever you feel is deserving of a reminder that despite the feel-good pap that the capitalist market shoves down our throats on some arbitrary day, the world is actually a dark and horrible place full of awful people ruining the lives of others.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

The State of Illinois Vs. Common Sense

Moral absolutism is the belief that wrong is wrong and right is right, and never the two shall meet. The context of a crime is moot; it’s clear cut, black and white and without shades of gray. To a moral absolutist, the actions of a woman who steals food in order to feed her starving family are not justified — she broke the law, period.
Sometimes it’s hard to deny that someone committed a crime, especially when they admit to doing it, but what happens when the punishment doesn’t fit the crime? At what point do you surrender common sense for the sake of convicting a criminal? What is justice when you can’t justify punishing the guilty?

"Where am I supposed to look again...?"

Meet Loren Swift. Mr. Swift was arrested in Illinois for marijuana possession with intent for distribution. Police found 25 lbs. of pot in his house and 50 lbs. worth of marijuana plants, which is quite a formidable stash by anyone’s standards. He had a miniature greenhouse for his horticultural pursuits and a room specifically designed for drying the buds for smoking. Police found several pieces of paraphernalia used for storing and smoking pot, along with a scale for measuring. Mr. Swift also confessed to police that he smoked pot and at no point did he ever try to deny it.

A jury of his peers recently found him innocent of his crimes.

Despite how insane that ruling seems on the surface, in actuality, the details paint a different picture. Mr. Swift is a 59 year-old Vietnam War veteran who needs a cane just to move around. At one point, they contemplated postponing his trial because doctors said that one of his feet would probably need to be amputated before his sentence would be passed. Swift claimed he smoked the pot to help alleviate the pain in his legs/ankles and to help with his post-traumatic stress disorder (he was a Vietnam veteran after all). He claimed that he never sold drugs to anyone, which the police admitted to having no physical evidence of in the first place, which is funny because that’s the main reason why he was on trial. Sure, his pot stash was ridiculous enough to assume he was going to sell it, but he could have been keeping it all to himself.
Regardless of its purpose, he smoked and possessed — I believe the technical term for it is “a shit-ton” — of pot. Medical marijuana is not legal in the state of Illinois, so his little “I need it for the pain” shtick won’t stick. He broke the law, period.

However, according to our current drug laws, if Mr. Swift was found guilty of this crime, the minimum punishment would have been serving six years in prison. Let me repeat that: If the jury found this 59 year-old, crippled Vietnam veteran guilty of possessing and smoking pot, he would have had to serve a MINIMUM sentence of six years in prison.

Given the circumstances, the jury exercised one of their not-very-well-known rights; the right of jury nullification. When a person is sentenced to a crime, it’s not only the convicted person on trial, but the law as well. If a jury finds a law unjust, they have the right to “nullify” it by acquitting someone, even when there’s insurmountable evidence to the contrary.

Did Swift commit a crime? From the law’s perspective, undoubtedly. Is the punishment worth a minimum of 6 years in a penitentiary? I would say hell no, especially when compared to other crimes of a more severe magnitude. Then again, our drug laws are broken as hell and beyond extreme in punishment. The only thing more messed up than this nation’s drug policy is the health care system… which is kind of ironic.

To read about the story, click [here].

Oh, and Happy Groundhog’s Day.

“Don’t drive angry, now.”

Review of Hulk Vs.

Not seen: Wolverine shitting himself in fear.

My nerdiness rears its ugly head yet again, as I’m here to give a review of something that probably nobody reading this cares about: the Hulk Vs. animated films.
Since we’ve been entertained thoroughly by recent comic-to-film adaptations (well, some adaptations), I thought I’d take one for the team and watch and review the Hulk Vs. movies, especially since they may have fallen under everyone’s radar. Since these two features are in a direct-to-video set, you’d be inclined to think that they’re hit-or-miss, and they are, but they’re entertaining for what they are nonetheless.

First up on the chopping block is Hulk Vs. Wolverine, which I’m sad to say is the weakest of the two features. Given that this film focuses on two of the most well-known characters from Marvel Comics, you’d think that this one would be the best; however, that’s not the case.

The story begins with Wolverine being forced by the Canadian government to track down the Hulk as he has laid waste to a small village in British Columbia. Why was Wolverine specifically chosen to do this? That’s been left a mystery, but what we are told is that Wolverine has to find the Hulk before he causes any more property damage. After a little snooping, Wolverine’s tracking skills lead him to the big green guy himself, and before you can say Weapon X, both Hulk and Wolverine are captured by a veritable rogues gallery of characters who have a personal vendetta against the ragin’ Canadjun.

And here is the point where things begin to derail.

My main problem with the film comes down to motivation. I’m aware that one can only tell so much story in 40 minutes (both features together add up to be about an hour and a half), so some characters’ backstories will have to fall to the wayside. However, when your entire roster of villains in a story have no story of their own, it all just seems like mindless violence.

Why does Lady Deathstrike hate Wolverine so much?
How do Deadpool and Wolverine know each other so well?
Who, or what, in the hell is Omega Red?

If you can’t answer these questions off the top of your head, you should either head to Wikipedia for a little educational course in comic lore or just accept this film as a series of completely mindless, unmotivated, violent scenes. And yes, there’s quite a bit of violence to be had. Plenty of death, blood and loss of limbs — no joke.

(As an aside, Hulk and Wolverine fight each other for maybe a minute or two before they’re sidetracked into this separate story…. So why is it called Hulk Vs. Wolverine, exactly?)

The biggest saving grace (or most distracting element, depending on your point of view) is Deadpool, the Merc with a mouth. They really nail that character down and make him a nice compliment to the other villains. He’s genuinely funny and is definitely the most memorable part of the cartoon, hands down. Seeing him here actually makes me look forward to see how Ryan Reynolds will portray him in the upcoming X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie.

The next feature is Hulk Vs. Thor, which, despite my preconceived notions, was actually quite good. Unlike Hulk Vs. Wolverine, Hulk Vs. Thor sets up the world and the characters, and at no point did I ever find myself looking for plot holes or character motivation. Perhaps it’s because the makers of this feature knew that not that many people know Thor, so they did a more thorough job of explaining things. Then again, my passing knowledge of Norse mythology probably didn’t hurt in understanding, either.

The story takes place on the last day of Odin’s winter sleep, where the minions of darkness lay defeated at the hands of the defenders of the Norse god kingdom of Asgard. Loki, Norse god of Petulant Assholishness and Goofy Headwear, brings the Hulk to the realm of the gods and takes over his mind in order to use him as a weapon in one last, desperate bid to destroy Thor and rule Asgard.

The story, despite being only about 40 minutes long, still manages to not only give clear explanation as to what’s going on, but it also provides some twists and turns to the story. Not only that, but the animation is even better in this cartoon than in HVW. Given the epic nature of this story and the fact that it focuses on warring gods who fight with swords and sorcery in a mystical kingdom, the whole feature felt a little like an animated Lord of the Rings cartoon… except the Hulk is there. Which is awesome.

Whether you’re a fan of the comics or not, I’d recommend watching Hulk Vs. Thor… should you find yourself with the option to watch it. It’s not so great that you should go out of your way and buy it immediately, but it’s worth a rent… or download, depending on your views of video piracy.

Overall, this set is candy for the comic faithful, but won’t convert the uninitiated.
Hulk Vs. Wolverine – 6/10
Hulk Vs. Thor – 8/10

WHAT THE–!?: Dog Edition

Deep in the semi-arctic tundra known as Russia, there lives a beast. It is a foul creature, as terrifying as it is large. It could swallow a double decker bus with its gaping maw, and it prays on the villagers of–

I’m kidding — it’s just a dog. An enormous dog, but still, it’s just a dog… despite appearances.

Oh my God.

The breed name of this monstrous, furry beast is the Caucasian Shepherd, also known as the Caucasian Mountain Dog.
“But, Boone,” you say with a condescending tone. “That dog isn’t white. Why call it Caucasian?”
It’s named after the Caucasus Mountains in Georgia.
“But you said Russia and–”
There’s a Georgia in Asia, too; not just the United States.
“Oh.”

Holy shit.

The dog was specifically bred to protect livestock, primarily sheep. It would literally walk with the sheep, blend in with the herd and then attack approaching wolves. Despite being dark in color, the dog can blend in with a sheep herd because of its bushy fur. Also, it’s about the same size as a full grown sheep.
It can grow to be up to 29 inches tall from shoulder to feet and can weigh up to 160 lbs. In other words, no matter who you are, odds are that it’s about as big as you are, if not bigger.

Jesus Christ.

If you think this dog is cute and might make a good pet, you might want to wait a moment. The breed has a decent temperament and is great around children, but won’t respect/listen to them. In fact, the dog only responds to people whom it sees as being superior to it. Basically, it has a very “alpha dog” mentality and is not recommended for anyone who isn’t completely serious and experienced in handling dogs. However, should you actually train this dog, it’s apparently very loyal and protective… not to mention terrifying to intruders.

AAAAAHHHH!

And because I know you’re curious, this is what they look like as a puppy.

Only 2 months old... WTF

National Body Challenge 2009

Before I get into this blog entry, I have to give credit where credit is due; a friend of mine (Thanks, Emily!) pointed me to a completely absurd commercial that I just had to talk about.
It’s insane and goofy, yet filled with mixed messages. And people in food costumes.

I’m of course talking about the new commercial for Discovery Health’s National Body Challenge 2009.
Haven’t seen it? You’re not alone. But hey, thanks to YouTube, you’re going to get an education!

Ooooookaaay…? Odd.
For the sake of this post, let’s ignore the weird quasi-fetish on display here (what would you call that, anyway — dressing in a food costume and porking…. A Foody, perhaps?) and focus on the message.

Based on the commercial, it’s implied that the fast foods are the ones who are caring, long-lasting lovers who crave attention and that vegetables are the attractive new flings. Shouldn’t that be flipped around? I mean, I eat burgers and pizza because, even though I know they’re bad for me, they’re exciting and tasty. Does anyone outside of a PeTA rally really see healthy vegetables as the exciting alternative to hamburgers and fries?

Here’s a more honest (debatable) and funnier (because I wrote it) approach to the concept of that commercial….

==================

It’s completely dark. Obscured by shadows, a woman in a celery costume flips on a light to reveal herself and her surroundings. She’s inside a house, specifically a bedroom, and she drops the suitcase she had been carrying. She enthusiastically says, “I’m home, honey! Did you miss me?”
As she speaks, she looks up and sees a man in bed with a woman dressed in a hamburger outfit. The man, completely startled, whimpers out a pathetic, “Hi…. I… didn’t expect you home so–-”
In complete shock, celery-woman runs out of the room and puts a hand to her mouth to try to hold back from openly sobbing.
The man, dressed in a wife-beater and boxer shorts, desperately follows her outside while calling out to her. “Honey? Honey, come back!”

Outside, celery-woman is crying, her face buried in her hands as she’s leaning against the side of the house. The man comes out of the front door and runs to her. “It’s not what it looks like. She was–-”
Celery-woman socks the man in the eye.
“How could you!?” she says through gritted teeth. “How could you do this to me? Don’t you care about me at all? After all I’ve done, I…. I feel like an idiot.” She turns away from him in disgust.
There’s an awkward pause.

“How many times?” she asks.
“Oh, Sheila, that’s–-”
“Just answer me — how many times, and don’t lie to me! How many times did you go behind my back to be with her, or others like — oh God, are there others!? Oh no! No, don’t say anything! I don’t even want to know! I feel sick just thinking about it.”
“Look, I–-” The man tries to put his arms around her, but she slaps his hands away.
“No!” she yells at him. “Don’t you even touch me!”

The two stare at each other in an uncomfortable silence. The man sees pain in her eyes — pain he caused her. She breathes in deeply, holds her chin up and approaches him.
“You’re sick, Jerry,” she says with a matter-of-fact tone. “You’re a pig. And I hope you can live with yourself and what you’ve done.”

Celery-woman walks to her car and drives away. The man collapses to his knees and starts sobbing. The screen fades to black, and white letters appear on the screen: “Vegetables deserve to be treated better. Start eating right today.”

==================

I think I need to stop writing about relationships and couples fighting. People might begin to suspect things aren’t on the up-and-up with me.