My Inappropriate Christmas E-Card

December 24, 2008


Merry Christmas, everybody!


A Review From A Glance: “The Spirit”

December 22, 2008


Based solely on the trailers and my knowledge of promotional materials for the movie, I can honestly say that I think The Spirit will suck. Probably a lot.

But first, some backstory….

The Spirit is a comic that started in the early 40s by legend Will Eisner. (Eisner is such a legend in the world of comics that awards for excellence in comic books are named after him.) In the first story of The Spirit, private detective and criminologist Denny Colt gets accidentally covered by a mysterious liquid in a scuffle with the nefarious Doctor Cobra. When the police arrive, Colt is seen motionless on the ground, thought by all to have been killed. Awhile later, Colt wakes up in Wildwood Cemetery and realizes that the whole city thinks that he is dead. Without an identity, Colt creates a role for himself as The Spirit, a vigilante who works outside of the law and uses the bounty he collects from catching crooks to fund his do-gooding exploits.

The comic itself was versatile to say the least; mystery, noir crime drama, sci-fi, romance and humor all combined together to create the many stories of The Spirit. Given the fact that there are over 60 years of storylines for The Spirit, it would take someone with finesse in story crafting, an ear for excellent dialog and a working knowledge of combining disparate elements into a cohesive narrative to be able to write and direct a successful movie based on the comic.

Unfortunately, the producers thought that man was Frank Miller.

Don’t get me wrong; Frank Miller has done some good work… just not recently.
Sure, he has created two of the most important Batman tales written with Batman: Year One and The Dark Knight Returns, he almost single-handedly turned Daredevil from a lame comic on the verge of cancellation to a staple character in Marvel’s roster, and he expertly brought the 80s extremeness for comic ultra-violence into the 40s and 50s world of noir crime fiction by creating the entertaining (although, admittedly, not for everyone) Sin City.

In recent years, however, Miller has created work that has done nothing but shown that he has gone absolutely, positively, completely, bat-shit crazy. While he used to strive for pathos and dark thematic elements in his comics, he has now gone into creating campy, self-aware, style-over-substance, violent-for-violence-sake works. Worst of all, his dialog goes for 30s and 40s-style melodrama, but it lacks sophistication and subtext, making it ring hollow, yet overwrought and… well, campy.
I hate to keep going back to the word, but “campy” is probably the best word I can use to describe anything that Miller has done in recent years.

Perhaps I’m just being hard on the man. He has done greatness before. Who is to say he can’t do it again? Besides, my complaints are about the recent comics he has written. This is a movie — it’s a different medium entirely. Maybe he can make something that exceeds expectation. Let’s watch the trailer to see if my complaints are without merit….

Um…. No, it looks like my complaints were spot on.

My inner geek also feels compelled to address certain issues that only I and other comic geeks care about, like that The Spirit wore all blue (not black) except for a red tie and a white dress shirt. Now, I know that blue might look terrible on film, but if you go for a deep indigo like the new EU police uniforms, I can’t see how it would look bad or out of place. The Spirit wearing blue is iconic.

Also, The Octopus (played by Samuel “Motherfucking Snakes” Jackson) was never seen in the comics. Never. The only times he was seen was in a disguise, so you never saw what he actually looked like. Outside of his disguises, he was always obscured by the shadows with only his gloved hands being visible.
He was the classic unseen villain, one step ahead of the hero. He was a seemingly-omnipresent, evil, criminal mastermind with henchmen doing his bidding. Seeing his face takes away his mysterious, omniscient-like quality and makes him seem less frightening as a villain. It’s like finally seeing Dr. Claw’s stupid face and being completely let down by it.
If your villain has an air of mystery about them, sometimes it’s best to keep it.

(Samuel L. Jackson’s scenery-chewing performance doesn’t help, either.)

I have many more things to say (re-hashing Sin City‘s look to the point that people think it’s a sequel, making Denny Colt a cop instead of a for-hire private detective, etc.), and I know it appears like I’m nit-picking, but if they can’t get a few small things right, who is to say they’ll do the big things well?

Besides, nit-picking is what fans are supposed to do. We’re supposed to vocalize what we don’t like about the things we obsess over to keep filmmakers in line. They’re (sometimes blindly) making these movies to turn a profit by keeping us happy and in the theater seats and/or buying their DVDs. By speaking out, we’re letting them know how they’re screwing up so they don’t repeat mistakes and therefore, lose money. In a way, I’m helping the film industry… sort of. Not really.

Well, I talked A LOT about a movie that hasn’t even been out yet. Just know that should you go to the theater and the film stinks, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

And if it’s good, I’ll be shocked… and proven wrong… for once.

We’re Going Down!

December 19, 2008

So all of the United States is talking about about our governor. Everyone in Illinois, however, is talking about how awful the roads are and how terrible the weather has been. Why? Because our LEGO-headed governor being a corrupt douchebag is not news to us. I was seriously surprised to not see this headline in the local papers:

Our state hemorrhages money like there’s no tomorrow. We pay taxes out our asses, but do we see results? No. Never. In fact, it came out recently that they’re not doing any preventive plowing (plowing before the baddest parts of snowstorm have hit) or salting the streets where I live because it’s too costly.
Excuse me? I pay enormous amounts of city taxes, sales taxes (the highest in the whole country), state taxes, road tolls, and I even pay for those stupid city stickers so the state can run efficiently and make my life easier. Now they say they won’t even freaking plow the streets in a productive manner because it’s expensive? I’m sorry, but when you have record highs for both automobile accidents and snowfall in a single day and it takes someone (me) an hour and a half to drive three miles, you should pony up a few bucks to get the damn streets plowed. It’s ridiculous.

After living in this state for several years and seeing the administrative incompetence in how money is distributed through our local government, I’m beginning to see Rush Limbaugh’s perspective on the political slur of Tax-and-Spendocrats.

But I didn’t come here to bitch. (“Too late.”) I came here to brag about fulfilling a dream I never knew I had.

Cinematic Titanic, Joel Hodgson’s latest pet project, is coming to perform LIVE in Chicago, and I have tickets to go tomorrow. Jealous? I thought so. *upturns nose, walks away*

Dear Blog

December 14, 2008

Look, Blog, I know we haven’t been seeing each other much recently. Yes, we both agreed that we’d try a short separation and that we’d see other people. Well, I think I’m ready to come back — that is, if you’ll have me.

Oh, you know me. I haven’t been doing anything in our time apart.
Me? Seeing anyone? No, of course not.

Oh, her? She’s nothing. She was just….
Look, I had writer’s block! What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t write anything! Not only that, but nothing was going on in my life that was even worth writing about. She was there for me when I was feeling down and let me express myself creatively, but I’m back now. I’m wiser and a better person — the person you deserve to have in your life. I’m here to write again.

No, Blog, of course she didn’t mean anything. She was just… for fun.
Besides, you and I were separated at the time, so I — Blog, please don’t turn your back on me. Don’t make this harder than it already is.

I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal about this. I mean, it’s not like you didn’t see anyone while we were away.

Oh. Really? You didn’t see… anyone? Not a single person?

You don’t mean that, Blog. Blog, please stop saying that.

Look, I can say hurtful things too, you know.

I don’t think you calling me names is going to get us anywhere. I need you to listen to me. Please, Blog. Please hear what I have to say.

Blog… I’m sorry. If I hurt you, I didn’t mean to. You know how much you mean to me.
It hasn’t been easy for either of us, but I think that we can get things back to how they used to be. This is what I want for us — to start over. And this time, I’ll pay more attention to you and attend to your needs. You deserve the best that I can give you.

I love you, Blog. And I always will.


It’s Official: I Hate Me

December 1, 2008


A friend of mine recently pointed me to an internet personality test. It’s that Jung Myers-Briggs like Indicator Test; you all know the one. The one where they break down your personality through a letter system to state whether you are more Extroverted or Introverted, Judging or Perceiving, etc.

I did the test and the results were… somewhat pleasant. A tad surprising, but for the most part, it appeared to cast me in a decent light. Then again, they wouldn’t just outright say, “You’re an asshole.”

…Would they?

As I read the description, it stated that people with my personality type are “responsible”, “decisive” and “hard working.”
That’s… not entirely true about me, but I’ll buy it. Besides, it sounds… harmless. It’s a tad more square than I’d describe myself, but nothing damning.

Then it started saying things like, “…they honor traditions”, “[respect] authority”, “norm followers” and “stiff”.
Umm… those aren’t really characteristics that I view to be all that positive. But still, I read on. I wanted to see what it had to say about me.

Oh, look! A list of famous people with my personality type! This should be interesting. I always like comparing myself to those of prominence. Let’s see who they have here:
Bettie Davis (Hmph.)
Lyndon Johnson (Ugh.)
William Henry Harrison (Um… I don’t like where this is going.)
George W. Bush (Shit.)
Reverend Billy Graham (Oh, c’mon! You’ve got to be kidding!)
Carrie Nation (Jesus Butt-fucking Christ.)

Now I kind of wish the test would’ve just said, “You’re an asshole,” and had been done with it.
It felt like the personality test makers had jumped into my head, found people that I personally believe have contributed to ruining the world and said, “Hey, these people you hate? THEY’RE YOU!”

Then again, I’ve always been a self-loathing person. It’s almost comforting to know that it’s justified. Almost.

If you would like to see my results for yourself, click [here].
If you want to have your day ruined, take the test by clicking [here].