Things I Think Too Much About: Goofy

Look at that son of a bitch... smiling like an idiot.

Look at that son of a bitch... smiling like an idiot.

Ah, Goofy. Arguably one of the funniest characters from Disney’s golden era of animation, Goofy is also one of its most confusing characters. I know some of you reading this think you already know what I’m going to talk about — and, yes, it will be covered — but there is a lot more to this confounded creature than a debate on his genus and species.

A scene in the movie Stand By Me brings up the question of “What is Goofy?” The immediate answer is that he’s a dog, but explain Pluto then. Pluto is obviously a dog, and is even Mickey Mouse’s pet. Not only that, but Pluto has a tail like a dog, unlike Goofy. Then again, Goofy could have docked his tail… so that he could wear pants or something. (Would his docked tail be viewed in a similar manner as male circumcision, with people on both sides arguing on issues about aesthetics and hygiene? The mind boggles.) Goofy has a long muzzle and floppy ears and — coloring, lack of tail and bipedal walking not withstanding — has a lot of similar features to Pluto. After all is said and done, the answer must be that they’re both dogs; probably different breeds, but still dogs.

So now one must ask what kind of twisted God allows one dog to be a sentient, English-speaking, car-driving being while another is saddled to the role of pet to an anthropomorphic mouse? Someone explain how that shit works.

DOES NOT COMPUTE.

DOES NOT COMPUTE.

“But, Boone,” you’re saying, “it’s only a cartoon. It doesn’t matter that–”

Quiet, you! I’m just getting started!

What’s the deal with Goofy’s name? Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy, Chip, Dale, and even one-shot characters like Clarabelle and Horace, all have proper given names. If you count their animal-based surnames, they even have full names.

As for Goofy,… that’s it. Goofy. His name’s a goddamn adjective (which my name is not because it has an “e” at the end — big difference). Even if you consider Goofy’s name a nickname, that’s simply dodging the real question: what’s his real name?

His parents might as well have named him Asshole or Dipshit.

His parents might as well have named him Asshole or Dipshit.

In the “instructional” cartoons from the 50s like Motor Mania and Tomorrow We Diet!, he goes by the name George. I don’t buy that that’s his real name. In these cartoons, he portrayed a relatable “Everyman” dealing with life’s troubles. The cartoons showed Goofy’s character in a more reserved tone and the jokes didn’t come from pratfalls and outright baffoonery. I think they called him George more for the sake of getting the story across then anything.

If you consider the Goofy cartoons from the 50s and his 1990s television show canon, then his son’s full name is Max Goof, implying that Goofy’s surname is Goof. So that means his full name is… Goofy Goof.
I’m sorry, but I refuse to believe that. That is the dumbest fucking name in the history of anything ever. Goofy Goof? That’s stupid even by cartoon standards.

But wait, I just glazed over something important: his son. Goofy has a biological offspring, unlike the other characters in the Disney universe (Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Scrooge McDuck are uncles). This begs the question, “Who would have sex with Goofy?

Red-head or brunette, there's no two ways about it -- he's an abomination.

Red-head or brunette, there's no two ways about it -- he's an abomination.

In the 50s, Max’s mother was heard off screen and we never saw her face. In Goof Troop and A Goofy Movie, it’s outright explained that Goofy’s wife/Max’s mother passed away. Basically, whether you want to face it or not, Goofy was married and he procreated, which is just one rung lower on the Disturbing Ladder than the thought of Jessica and Roger Rabbit together. (Again, the mind boggles.)

How Goofy has retained custody of the child without the state’s intervention is beyond me. If Disney ever wanted to do an animated remake of I Am Sam, they already have the characters in place.

Goofy, you son of a bitch, why must you exist? You hurt my brain. I need to lie down.

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3 Responses to Things I Think Too Much About: Goofy

  1. Cat says:

    “Oooooh the world owes me a livin’
    Doodle doody doodle doody dooooo!”

  2. Tiff says:

    Goofy may not be the greatest father in the world, but at least better than a lot men out there. He’s a good dad. So, why should Goofy have to lose custody of Max?

  3. Violet says:

    The original goofy character in 1932 has a tail. The tail was kinda short so most likely it could fit under his pants pretty easily.

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